Merry Christmas

Hey friends, Merry Christmas!

It's evening and the end if the holiday is almost here.

It's been totally weird but there were some unexpected nice moments too. I got home from work at like 7 AM and husband had filled up my stocking and we opened presents. Then I passed out for like 6 hours, Facetimed/Skyped with my family and husband's family and that was really nice. 

And then I came to work again. And here I am.

Merry Christmas!

See you soon.

Hey

Merry Christmas Eve. Well, it's midnight so it's basically Christmas Eve.

Christmas feels weird this year, maybe because I'm not home, maybe because I'm working nights and I barely know what day it is. Maybe because I'm seeing my husband for like 20 mins a day because we work opposite schedules.

It's just weird.

Anyway, merry Christmas all.

Christmas Presents

I just ordered Christmas presents for my family, I'm all set with my shopping now a whole week before Christmas yay! 

Unfortunately I don't get to spend the holidays with any of my family this year. I have to work nights through the week and then I get to be off for 5 days over New Years, but we're not traveling anywhere. My parents visited at the beginning of the month but I'm still sad and miss my family.

So I'm a little sad and feeling not quite ready for Christmas, here's some Christmas pictures.

Truth

This isn't my only blog. But you know something? It's the one that I want to post on now. I have another one that people in my life know about, one where it's clear who I am and I write in full knowledge that people in my personal and professional life alike may read it.

And know what? When I'm having a hard time I just want to be able to say it without having to censor. I want to rant about that bitch at work. I want to obsess about whatever I'm obsessing with and never worry that people will judge me for it. I'm not saying people wouldn't ever read this blog and judge me, but this is intentionally an anonymous one, so that I can protect my real life from some of the thoughts that I probably shouldn't say out loud but post here anyway.

So anyway thanks for being here for whatever I need to say.

To Feel Better

It's Christmas time and I really hate being sick. I think it's just a cold, and I don't know if I can make it better any faster, but I thought I'd list things to brainstorm how to feel better.

1. Meds: whatever seems to help. My options include: antipyretics, cough syrup, Sudafed, Benadryl, cough drops

2. Water and tea

3. Nasal irrigation with saline

4. Not very hungry, eating soup

5. Sleep as much as I can. It's so hard because I cough all the time.

6. Caffeine: this sounds weird but I'm currently addicted so I'll feel way worse if I don't get my coffee in

7. Vaseline for my poor raw nose

8. I should probably buy a humidifier

You know the worst part? I have to keep showing up for work, I don't get sick days. If I call in sick someone else gets called in to work and I have to cover a shift for them later. So in theory I'm not supposed to go if I have a fever, but I don't take my temp so even though I feel like it, so I just take meds and go to work.

Here's hoping I feel better before Christmas.

Update

Remember how I was all upset with my husband about falling asleep before sex and leaving this car issue to stress me out? 

Well after I got my rant out I went back to bed and woke him up just enough to tell him how I felt. He was very sweet and understanding (and cute and sleepy) about how his falling asleep made me feel unimportant. He also knew about the car issue and had a plan to fix it the next day. 

So anyway I did still feel rejected when he fell asleep but I forgave him and got over it. 

And now I'm just trying to get through my week. I haven't done very well with food and I have an awful cold right now. I coughed so hard my eyes were tearing at work today - in front of patients. 

It's Christmas time though - it is my favorite time of year. 

And my colds been lingering for ages. I'm not sleeping at all because of the congestion and coughing. And I'm also keeping my husband awake. Ugh I'm so run down.

I had all these ambitions for exercise and studying this month but I feel like straight awful and I'm just sitting around pouring snot and watching tv.

Anyone have awesome cold cures?

Really?

So I'm up instead of sleeping.

Boyfriend and I agreed we'd get in bed at 8:30 and be asleep by 10 - leaving plenty of time for well, you know, things you do in bed.

Do you know what happened? After a discouraging 30 minutes of studying (yay studying!) I went into the bedroom to find he'd crawled in around 8 PM, gotten comfortable, and was starting to fall asleep. So in hopes to catch him before he passed out, I quickly got ready and climbed in next to him. We lay there for a minute, and I thought how nice and warm he is, and then he told me he was too tired and proceeded to actually fall asleep.

And so I got back up. I'm kind of frustrated, to say the least. There's of course sexual frustration, that's a given. It's worse than that though, it's not unusual for us to fall asleep without having sex - we lead really busy lives and are very tired when we make it to bed, but we've been trying to increase our physical time by prioritizing it more. I was the one who asked him tonight for a timeline to make sure that we didn't just pass out when we got into bed, and despite him picking those times, I got screwed over. Not screwed. And I'm sad about it.

On top of that I organized the office in the past hour - you know, since I'm awake - and you know what I found? The details aren't important but suffice it to say he ignored some notices regarding cars and insurance and registration and it looks like now we're going to have to go through quite a headache to fix it all. He's a totally responsible person and I'm not entirely sure how this happened. And now I'm all stressed about it and wishing I could do something about it now but it's not business hours and I can't, and he just gets to sleep peacefully.

So I am pissed. And I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't face the feelings, so there you go.

December

It's upon us. December, the Christmas season. A new month.

I love this time of year. It might be my favorite. 

Today my man put lights on the outside of the house and we finished decorating the inside too.

Food wise not so good.

I ate popcorn, ice cream with peanut butter, a muffin and a couple sodas (in addition to healthy meals) that I wish I had not.

But I refuse to let it derail my fresh December start. It's a wonderful happy time of year and I'm determined this Christmas season to love my body and myself no matter how I feel about my size.

December Goals:

1. Respect myself and my body. On the one hand this means eating healthfully, being active at whatever level is appropriate to try to give myself endorphins/improve my fitness and at the same time acknowledge that I have a bad cold right now and my body doesn't need extra stress. At the same time it means being positive towards my body even if I eat something unhealthy or don't like the way my clothes look when I first glance in the mirror. Replacing those thoughts with loving ones.

2. Work at work. Keep home stress at home. I know that sounds a little weird, but it just mean that if I have downtime on a given day at work, I want to use it to learn/get work done. And while I make piles of lists to manage my life outside work, looking at them during work just adds to the stress and isn't necessary or helpful. If I keep my focus on one thing at a time, I think I can actually get done everything I want to faster. As a specific part of this goal, I want to never put off a task more than 24 hours.

3. Still study. That said, I still have to study. Even a little is better than nothing. I keep saying this but I need to do it.

4. Enjoy my people. I'm really wrapped up in how I look, how I feel, what I ate, did I get my work done, is anyone judging me, who was nice, who was mean, etc. and it's all so inwardly focused. I just want to let go the things that don't matter and enjoy those who are here around me during the holidays.

So happy December friends, what are your goals?

The Last Day of November

It's the very last day of November.

I want to post all the cute thanksgiving pics I found on the internet that I haven't yet. 

And by all I mean like 2 haha.

Anyway the beginning of a new month is tomorrow and that always excites me. It means a fresh start. Symbolically it helps me wipe away past mistakes and get hopeful about who I can be in the future. Not that I need a new month or a new week or even a new day in theory, but I think the milestone really helps me think carefully and be more mindful when a new month begins. In fact if I don't get a chance to reflect and mentally prepare for a new month I always feel surprised and a little disappointed.

So today I didn't have to work, we decorated for Christmas, I'm watching a live stream of a Christmas concert from a random church and I'm thinking about my life.

Among my questions:

What am I thankful for? 

What are things I'm loving in my life right now?

What would it take for me to be totally actually happy? 

What changes do I still want to make for a healthier life?

What do I feel like is getting in the way of my ideal life?

How can I make my relationships better?

Okay those were all kind of serious.

I'm also asking:

Am I too cheap? Meaning: should I be buying nicer wine?

Why do I have so many weird Christmas ornaments from my childhood?

Why is the tofu at chipotle so good?

If I jump my man now will he be able to go again tonight before we pass out?

How do I make my body hunger games strong?

What should I have for dinner?

What questions are on your mind tonight? Hope you're having a good one, 

Xoxo Erin

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving everyone! Ok, a couple days ago now.

I hope you all had a good one whether you celebrate it or not.

Mine was full of cooking - I hosted my in-laws. Everything turned out ok though and I was pretty happy. We watched some cheesy movies, played some games, and fed a couple friends who stopped by.

I'm not sure if I'm sick or have allergies but I've been pretty miserable the past week or so. I'm trying all kinds of things but I'm really sick of feeling gross.

Anyway my inlaws left this morning so now I'm sipping on some coffee and having leftover pie for breakfast.

Next up: Christmas decorations!

And I'm also going to see Hunger Games today. Was it good?

Love you have a great weekend.

Bikini Body

I had a startling realization this AM. I was talking to my man about booking our hotel for a wedding we're going to in January and we decided on this place:

Yeah. That's an infinity pool and the ocean. In Hawaii.

So we made our reservation and I started getting really excited about it. But then I realized it's ONLY 2 MONTHS AWAY! 

I'm so not ready to put on a swimsuit. Not even a little. Of course I'm working on body positivity and feeling comfortable in my skin no matter my attire etc. But there's nothing wrong with wanting to be a little more fit before I go on a luxurious vacation. 

So I was trying to come up with a plan that's liveable during the holidays and will also make me confidently more fit in 2 months time. 

I think the best plan is probably more exercise as opposed to diet-focused at least through until January with the holidays. I haven't really decided for sure what the plan should be - I want to think about it. Anyone have ideas for me? I just want to feel awesome without getting crazy.

Thanks loves.

Goals Update

A while ago I made an ambitious list of goals that I felt like if I achieved would take a big step into my ideal life. This morning with my coffee I'm taking a review of how I'm doing.

It was this post: http://jamandjabberwock.blogspot.com/2013/10/goals.html

The point is I had a lot of good ideas and some have gone well and some have really not.

A. Food: probably the worst of the categories. I've been binging, not planning meals, eating tons of dessert. I'm just way off track. I did send cookies to my sisters though. And at the moment there are healthy vegan spinach artichoke calzones in the oven, so I have to recognize the good here. Still, I don't feel that great in this category and I think I'd really like to improve it.

B. Exercise: I've been to the gym a few times, and we went on a gnarly hike up a mountain today, but nothing like the consistency I'm aiming for. This one needs more work too.

C. Studying: I've done more than none, but not committed the daily time like I intended to. Geez as I go through these categories I feel like I haven't really made any strides.

D. Relationships: actually this ones good. I've been seeing people outside work more, doing fun things, and calling my family. I guess that's the most important things in life so maybe I'm not so far off. Spiritually I've been a little unfocused though.

E. Fun: I picked up my knitting, but I haven't done much reading. I've sort of done a good job posting here, which I do find fun. No new hobbies to report, I wish, but like I said I've been going out more. We joined a board game group through our church. And of course there's my darling dog, I have more fun playing with her all the time.

So it seems like I've been trying to enjoy my life. At the same time I do feel like I've been ignoring a couple key things that are making me not enjoy everything else as much as I'd like to. One is food - I don't want to go on a diet or anything, but I really haven't been eating to respect my body and I would like to do that. I also haven't been treating myself to exercise endorphins the way I'd like to. I want it to feel like a good thing, not a guilt thing. 

How do you balance your goals so they don't feel like guilt?

Confession

I am playing Christmas music and I am not backing down for anyone.

Some people get all weird about it before Thanksgiving but I firmly believe the emotional connection it holds can be holiday music in general and it makes me thankful and in the thanksgiving spirit too so it's not in any way out of place.

As I was looking for thanksgiving images on the inter webs I found this picture and I thought it was such a cute outfit.

So yeah, it's really mid November and I'm in the holiday spirit. Last night we had a fire in our fireplace and it was really nice. I also drank a smidge too much red wine so I'm writing from bed and waiting for my pain meds to kick in and the coffee to be done brewing. J is next to me in bed playing iPhone games so we're being lazy together. That's a nice Saturday morning. And I have tomorrow off too! Crazy. I'm sure I'll be back soon as I try to figure out the best way to spend all my free time.

Work Post

Hey all. I'm posting from work. I really just want to go home and take a nap but I guess I'm counting my blessings that it's not crazy busy and I have time to type. I feel like I need a vacation but my next break is New Years. At least I have all of next weekend off. Just have to make it through today and 2 more days and it will be the weekend. It's only Wednesday and I'm counting down haha what does that say? 

I went to the gym this morning for the first time in weeks.

And now I'm starving even though I had a giant lunch like 2.5 hrs ago. It's nice though, to feel like I did something good for my body this morning. 

I think it's also that I didn't sleep well last night. I had all kinds of nightmares about patients that weren't even mine, just ones I heard about. And I kept waking up.

I can't even believe how over this day I am it's shocking. I'm like totally sleepy.

You know what I would love? Just a whole day to sleep in, do yoga, go shopping, watch TV, play with my dog, take a nap and then spend some time with my husband. What if I just don't go to work tomorrow? Jk someone would go totally crazy on my ass if I skipped. Nice to be needed I guess.

Can I just leave work now and go take a nap? The answer is no. I still have like 2 more hours. Ugh maybe it's because yesterday was a 12 hour workday but I'm just dead. I can't figure out my mood right now or why I'm so upset.

It makes me want to eat the world. Also not good.

Happy Wednesday I guess. :/

Friends!

Hi pretties I missed you.

I hope you don't mind but I think of you readers (all 3 of you) as my real life internet friends and when things feel hard I sometimes think about my semi anonymous friendships with you and how you care even though we're not real life face to face and it helps.

So anyway I just had my first 2 days off in a row in 12 weeks and I slept a ton but also made some poor food choices and wasn't 100% very awesome and I've been thinking about my goals and my ideal life and looking at areas where things aren't adding up. 

Some things were great - lots if things were not.

Things I did that were ideal life-worthy:

1. Played flag football with colleagues

2. Took L to the dog park

3. Baked cookies and shipped them to my sisters

4. Returned clothes at a couple stores from my birthday-and saved the $

5. Made meal plan and bought vegetables

6. Knitted

7. Coffee

8. Put my dog in a reindeer costume - as awesome as it sounds

Things I think could be changed:

1. Ate a bunch of the cookies I baked for my sisters

2. Watched like 5 hours in a row of Gossip Girl on Netflix - even though I've already seen it

3. Stayed up til 4 AM on Thursday night - my first night off - because I binged too much and couldn't lie flat

4. Wore sweat pants the whole past 2 days

5. Haven't had sex in at least a week

So yeah I've loved having 2 days off but I could do better to make my life awesome.

Do you guys have suggestions? I really struggle with the eating things I wish I hadn't and watching too much tv - tell me how you avoid that.

Love you pretty birds.

An extra hour

Twice a year the time changes and this weekend it's the good one where we get an extra hour. 

I was thinking about what I would do if I had an extra hour every day. Be better rested? I could be much smarter from all the study I would have time for, or be super fit. Maybe put more effort into my appearance? Eh probably not that. More social time, quality time with my friends or J? Idk. 

The point isn't that I really think I can add an extra hour to the day but it made me think about my priorities and what I should be doing with the 24 hours I have.

That said, tonight there is an extra hour for all of my American friends, will you spend it sleeping? Socializing? Watching that movie you don't ever have time for? Whatever you choose, happy time change.

Ugh

Well I spoke too soon about it being a good night last night. Round about 7 pm I started feeling really nauseous and then I started puking. The first time there was still food in my stomach but all the times after that it was just empty stomach retching.

It was awful. I hardly slept and I'm still super nauseous. I've managed to keep down some ginger ale and a little bit of cereal. I have work tomorrow so here's hoping I'm better by then. 

Ugh.

Healing thoughts. At least it's cold out and I don't really want to go outside anyway right?

Made It

So I made it through another week. 6 days of work and I get a day off tomorrow. It's not even close to the 16 days from last stretch yet I feel just as beat. I think maybe that's a sign that we just handle what we have to. 

I don't even know what to do tomorrow with my day off but I think tonight I'm going to drink a little and cook with my husband, maybe go shopping at Anthropologie or Forever 21 because I got some thoughtful birthday presents that I don't totally love and am going to return for something I really like.

Or maybe I'll stay in bed and rest up after this week.

I say that but the truth is I never feel like it was a good day if I don't get up and out and do things. Active things, fun things, not too much in my house things. 

Just 40 minutes until the end of my work day - yes I'm blogging from work on my phone. Well, I missed you what can I say?

For the past couple days I've been doing pretty ok. I went to the gym on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. Wednesday and Friday I just couldn't rally. It's not like I was up late for Halloween or anything, I was just beat. So I haven't done any exercise today and I'm trying really hard to be okay with it. I have a hard time with moderation, whether it's food or exercise, it's either too much or too little. And with exercise this week I think I actually did a healthy person moderate amount but since I didn't get to the gym every day I feel like it wasn't enough.

Food wise it's actually been a really good week. No binges at all. That's 7 days - assuming I make it through tonight. And I'm feeling much better, not bloated, more fit, and more able to focus on important things and do my job because I'm not trying to figure out how to sneak in dessert and binging. I even studied this week. Well, sort of. Baby steps.

Yesterday Intake

Smoothie after gym

Peanut butter banana oatmeal

Salad with sesame noodles and tofu

Apple

Lasagna

Today

Peanut butter banana oats

Pad Thai, honeydew and grapes

(Future planned): pot pie stew, sweet potato biscuits

Wine x3 - 15 oz max

It's going to be a good night. I hope for you too.

Intakes

Hey friends. Thought I'd post a little on recent intake.

So if I'm posting intakes at all that means I'm doing ok because when I'm not, not only is intake beyond quantifiable but I don't usually share it.

So I'm saying it's a good thing. 

Monday

Breakfast: peanut butter banana oatmeal

Lunch: leftovers of the vegan vodka pasta with peas

Dinner: Apple while cooking, chickpea cutlet, lemon roast potatoes, green beans

This really felt like an all American meat and potatoes kind of meal, even though the meat here is 100% vegan, one cutlet has 250 calories and 16 g of protein. The recipe is in Veganomicon, one of my favorite vegan cookbooks.

Tuesday

Breakfast: overnight oats with strawberries and bananas

Lunch: leftover masala dosa from Sundays dinner. All packed up to take to work.

Dinner: out for a brown rice tofu veggie bowl with bible study group

So it's been now 4 days of appropriate eating and I feel a lot better.

So Stressed

So I think I'm just really stressed? I feel like so weird about waking up in the middle of the night last night and being so awake.

And I don't know why and I don't know what to do to fix it.

I mean, with my goals right now I'm trying to deal with all the things that make me feel like I'm not living my life the way I want to so I won't feel stressed but I'm seriously shaking with how stressed I am.

It's totally work, my home life is not stressful.

But at work I just can't seem to get it together. I need a couple more hours each day to study and be better and I feel like I'm barely getting by.

In other news coffee seems like an essential these days and that concerns me. It may be time to go on a cold turkey herbal tea decaffeination again. Last time was about a year ago but since then I thought I was doing a good job not being addicted but I've been getting headaches lately and I don't want it to get worse.

When I think about it I probably have had coffee more than I should in recent weeks.

I'm not mentally committed yet though as I'm not 100% convinced its a caffeine issue. Maybe I'll give it a go well-hydrated and caffeine free tomorrow and see how it goes.

I Don't Know Why I'm Awake

I have no idea why I'm awake. 

There's 45 minutes left of my birthday, but I fell asleep like 3 hours ago and just woke up like it was a nap - but it's late - I want to sleep for 5 more hours and then go to the gym and be up for the day.

I don't want to be awake right now.

But I thought since I am I'd write an update from my goals.

I posted them super early morning 2 days ago, and then fell asleep and slept for 8 hours, which was awesome.

A. Food: been going pretty well. I've made healthy choices and not binged in 2 whole days and I feel way better. 3 meals and 1 snack has pretty much been the past couple days.

On Saturday I made vegan vodka pasta:

Then for my birthday we went out to a vegan/vegetarian Indian place

It was so quality and filling, I ate the cup of dal and only about half the dosa. Leftovers for a healthy lunch later.

And for birthday dessert I split this coconut cake with J.

It tasted like whole, quality food and I was thinking about how I've really been not treating my body to that.

Alcohol wise I had a 10 oz tiny beer when we went out with friends on Saturday. It was a great choice because I had to work at 6:30 the next morning and didn't feel the least affected.

Water wise I did awesome on Saturday - 64 oz. but today when I went into work I realized I don't ever drink there. I probably still got in 6+ glasses because we went on a hike and I was chugging it but I probably needed even more.

In fact that might be why I woke up, I feel thirsty.

B. Exercise: on Saturday I did a spot of yoga and carried really heavy grocery bags a long way to the car. I guess it counts. And then today we went on a 2 hour afternoon hike. One of my fitness goals I'm adding is to hike this whole trail: it's a 3,000 foot elevation change starting at 7,000 feet and it's 16-18 miles round trip.

But just the 2 hours felt great.

The goal of course is to get to the gym in 4.5 hrs, but if I can't go back to sleep, that may not happen.

C. Studying: haven't really implemented this one yet, since Saturday is a day of rest and Sunday was my birthday, I decided to start with Monday.

D. Relationships: went out with friends on Saturday which was great. My mom didn't call me on my birthday :( Also had some great sex both of the last 2 days. Not doing so well with the spiritual goals - I think I need to figure out a more reliable routine.

E. Fun: doing ok with this. I definitely felt the too much tv slothdom creeping in on Saturday so I'm still open to hobby suggestions. Haven't done any reading or knitting. Well see how the weekday goes with a tv limit.

And thanks so much Eve for your comment on last post. :)

Okay, have to try sleeping or morning is going to be awful. 

Love you pretty birds.

Goals!

I've always been one for writing down my goals and making lists.

Even if I never look at it again, I think it just helps take the overwhelming out of my head and make it finite.

So that is the purpose of this post. I'm going to be as specific as possible because I want to be able to gauge whether I'm succeeding, and I think the result might be a lot of changes in a lot of areas so I don't want to get overwhelmed but I AM going to try all of it.

A. Food

- 3 meals and 1-3 healthy snacks per day. Vegan. No unplanned meals or snacks to avoid that feeling of "ruining" the day and causing a binge.

- Bake and ship something to my sisters in next 2 weeks

- Meal plan and grocery shop at beginning of week

- Calorie counting is okay but not required - goal of minimum net 1300. Max maintenance 1700 on no activity day.

- Dessert 2x max per week (weeks start Mondays) and must be planned

- Take vitamins (calcium, vit d, b complex)

- Drink at least 48 oz (6 cups) of water each day

- Alcohol: Meet recommendations for healthy consumption for women - no more than 7 drinks per week, no more than 3 drinks at a time

B. Exercise 

- Go to the gym before work M-F. One of those days may be home workout day.

- Minimum 30 mins preferred but a 10 min sun salutation is always better than nothing

- Recreational activity OR gym on weekends: run outdoors, biking, hiking, skiing, yoga etc.

- Objective parameters: Resting heart rate below 60 (currently 64), run a mile in 8 minutes by December 31

- If a morning gets skipped, try to do something in the evening. If a day gets skipped, go the next and do not be defeated

C. Studying

- Spend 15-20 mins each evening studying

- This is dedicated time. No reading in front of the TV.

- 7 practice questions per week

- 1 module every 2 weeks until completed 36

D. Relationships

- Spiritual: Start each day with a verse and prayer

- Go to small group each week unless actually working (not feeling like it = not an excuse)

- Spend time each day with J that is focused, without TV etc. Walking dog or 10+ mins unplugged.

- More sex. 4/week minimum

E. Fun

- Pick up knitting again

- Read 1 book for fun before December

- Schedule something with friends outside work at least once every 2 weeks

- Make tentative plans on days off to avoid accidentally spending the whole day in the house

- Limit TV: 1 show per weekday (less than an hour). No limit for weekends for now.

    Shows: Vampire Diaries, Greys Anatomy, Pretty Little Liars. Others with J. 

While I'll be monitoring my size based on clothes and maybe weighing myself (and updating you) weight is not one of the goals on this list. If I do these things I'll start to feel awesome, and that's more important. That said, based on past experience, I'm probably 10 pounds above where I feel comfortable right now. In being "recovered" from purging and doing ok with restricting i really haven't conquered the binging and I've put on weight in the past year, so that's something I really need to work on.

And that's it.

Do you have any suggestions for me? Especially in the area of fun I feel like I've really stagnated in the last couple years - new hobbies I should try?

The Good and the Bad

I made it to my day off!

After 16 straight days of 11-13 hr work days, a week of which was nights, I finally have a day off.

I'm all smiles and also fear. I've been hiding my bad habits recently behind being so busy because of work and it's just been so many excuses. Now with a whole day off, I feel the pressure to spend it in a way that's healthy and will make me feel organized and happy and ready to keep going with my life.

Update to last post: I did have a veggie sandwich later at night and it was nice and probably brought my intake up to 1300 for the day.

Then Thursday I didn't do so well -  totally binged again on chocolate and peanut butter and cereal. I had great intentions but I just keep hurting myself with crap food. And in the middle of the night I had way too many French fries and felt gross. 

Then today after I got home in the morning I ate a non-vegan pastry (well, probably) that someone had brought for lecture and it was not that good I was just hungry, and then my regularly planned oatmeal and then a couple bowls of cereal on top of it and I felt totally gross. Then I passed out for like 7 hours, had an apple at about 5 after I woke up - that I felt like was a good decision. Then my man came home and brought me Thai takeout and I made a good choice with that I think - I left half for leftovers. With that I had a couple little glasses of white wine and then made some hot chocolate and had a few handfuls of dry cereal.

So today wasn't all bad but there are things I would change. I would take out the pastry certainly - I know there's a problem when I'm choosing non-vegan things that I could easily leave. I also would have not eaten the cereal after oatmeal OR the handfuls in the evening. And I would have eaten slower and maybe eaten even less of the Thai because I was really full. In principle the hot chocolate I'm totally fine with, but I would have made about 2/3 the size - like 6oz instead of 10 oz. and also I probably didn't need it on a week like this when I've just been constantly eating crap for ages.

So right now I'm probably having more bad days than good days. I've been getting headaches every day. I don't know if it's sugar or caffeine or hydration or sleep or all of them but I'm not willing to keep living like this.

I have an idea of what I would like life to look like and I think it can but right now I'm not making the right lifestyle choices and it's definitely time to make a change.

I tried doing some yoga today but wasn't feeling that well. Still, my darling dog enjoyed the activity, she wouldn't stop getting all up in my space. :) She's great company. She always wants to be wherever you are.

So this was a post to talk myself into making some goals and really trying. Next post up: some lists and some plans and some goals :)

I so appreciate those of you who read and comment. Thank you for being here for me and for all your advice.

Intake Wednesday

It's Wednesday and I'm at work for the night. Tonight and tomorrow night and then I'm off Friday morning around 8. I get Saturday off until I go back on Sunday morning. I'm so burnt out but what can you do.

So, intake.

It's sort of confusing when I'm working overnight but I try to eat when I get home at like 7:30 or so, then again before I go in at like 3 or 4 PM after I wake up, then have a late dinner like 9 or 10. It doesn't always go just like that but it seems to work pretty well.

Today I started off with banana strawberry oatmeal when I got home. (275)

I then watched a bunch of TV, cried a bit and then fell asleep for 4 ish hours. At about 4 pm I had a bowl of cereal with strawberry banana again. I know, nutritionally not really varied but that's what I felt like. It looked like the above but with oatmeal squares (275 again).

For dinner here at work at 8ish I had a veggie burger and a naked juice.

This one is so good. 250. And the veggie burger was probably 250ish, 125 for the patty, 100 for the bun and I just put super low cal veggies on it. 

So total today that's like 1050, which isn't really enough - I don't really have much trouble usually. I'm ok with low intake today though because I've seriously been totally crazy eating like handfuls of chocolate chips and peanut butter every day for like weeks and this is the first good day in a really long time. That said, if I'm up and working I'll probably eat again at like midnight, get a veggie wrap or something.

Either way tomorrow I'll make it at least 1300, but I'm happy today. For the first time in ages I didn't screw everything up with my food.

#rant

I work from 5:30 PM to 6:30 AM all week. Like I mentioned in my last post, that's overnight.

So I should be sleeping right now but I can't, I really tried but then I just started crying and the tears were like draining all over the place and my nose got sniffly and I realized I'm really upset and angry and sad and I have all these emotions but I'm not sure why and so this is a rant post.

If you don't like those you can skip it, no hard feelings.

So I'm reluctant to be too detailed about my job but suffice it to say I'm in an underpaid overworked sector of healthcare.

Most months I work 6 days a week, the majority of which are 10-13 hr days. That is 60-80 hrs a week, and I get paid terribly - it's salaried and it's standard for my job, but just awful. I haven't had a day off in 2 weeks. I last had 2 days off in a row 2 and a half months ago. I've worked all week and at least one day of the weekend that whole time. I last had a weekend day off 6 weeks ago. I switch back and forth from nights to days and on either side of those weeks I always feel exhausted and all turned around. I am required to study on top of my work hours. 

I'm sort of at the bottom of the totem pole and people treat me like shit. Im not actually a janitor but they treat me like I have about that much medical knowledge. I'm 200,000 dollars in debt from school - I've finished 8 years after high school and my damn expensive brain just gets walked over like it's someone's job. If it's not colleagues who are snapping at me, it's the patients.

I mentioned one in my last post and how I looked up to the peaceful way my senior - we should name her, let's call her Ashley - seemed to be handling it. 

The more I thought about it though, although I still look up to her, she didn't have to go into that room, I'm angry about that patient and I have a right to be.

She was completely disrespectful to me when I was trying to help her. I was trying to assess her problem and she just starts talking about how I don't know what I'm doing and she wants to see someone else. News flash bitch: it's just me. I'm the one who dropped everything at 3 am to come assess your "dizziness" and I'm the one who has been given the responsibility of helping you in the middle of the night and that's what I'm here to do. When I ask you questions, that doesn't mean I don't believe you, it means I want to hear more about what's going on and give you the best treatment possible so when you tell me "you're not giving me what I want, and you're all over the place" when in fact I am thinking and using my clinical judgment to figure out how to fix you, you make it harder for me to do my job. I am trying to help you but you have to work with me. And when you treat me disrespectfully and I tell you to dial that (the fuck) back, that is within my rights. I do not have to put up with any of that shit. I am a person and I am overworked and underpaid and under appreciated like a fucking doormat but I will trip you when you try to walk all over me.

And sure you can say you want to see someone else but here's what's up crazy: there is no one else. You want the boss to get out of bed and come in from home so you can tell her you're dizzy but you didn't like how I asked the questions about it? Not going to happen. That's not the way it works here princess. So sit the fuck down, answer my questions and for god sake let me help you. It's my job and it's all I'm trying to do. It doesn't have to be hard on any of us.

I have to go back to work in 6 hours. I haven't slept yet and I'm going to try but I don't know. 

In other news my eating has been total crap, I've started getting sugar withdrawal headaches cause I'm eating so much of it. Hoping to make that stop. 

I haven't worked out in at least 3 weeks, maybe 4. I haven't had sex in at least 2 weeks. That didn't used to matter, but I have a man to keep happy (I mean I want it to but you know).

I feel like crap all the time, like dead tired physically but also like in my general sense of wellbeing. 

Bless you for reading. See you soon.

Working Night

I'm working nights right now. It's hard because I switch over and stay up and then try to sleep during the day which can be hard. I only do nights for a week and then I switch back to days so my body just gets all messed up and mad at me.

Anyway, I'm working with this girl who's more senior than me and so gorgeous and skinny and also competent at work and I'm just looking at her like how do you do it you know? She's seriously like my life idol.

I had this patient tonight who was seriously so rude to me and I lost my cool a little bit, not to her face but outside the room and then I felt kind of bad and this girl was all zen and trying to see things from the patients perspective and I just wished I could respond more like that. 

And she's like wispy thin but like still healthy which is exactly what I'm going for. And she's smart. And gosh can we tell yet what a friend crush I have on her?

I  guess it's good though to have someone to look up to right? Not like to idolize but just to see qualities and be reminded of the things that I'm striving for.

Anyway here's a picture of me from like 4 years ago enjoying some fall time. Happy October again loves,

Church

I went to church today for the first time in a long time. I've been working most weekends so I haven't been able to go.

I think reconnecting with my spiritual beliefs makes me feel like there's hope for all the things I'm struggling with. Sometimes I feel like I can't do this on my own and then I remember I don't have to. 

When I took communion I didn't worry about how many calories were in it, and even though I've been having a hard time I have to remember I have made progress in my recovery.

My church now actually meets in a school, but this is the cathedral in Segovia from a few years ago when I lived in Spain. I love all the beautiful churches in Europe, they just make you feel so peaceful.

Night

Hi angels.

I'm on day 11/15 straight days of work in a row. No matter what your job, I'm sure many of you have been in a similar situation where you've felt like work is burning you out. I don't know how to eat. I'm exhausted. I feel lost and like I'm in survival mode, I don't even have reliable times to eat, this morning is was 8 hrs between breakfast and lunch. 

It's hard because I feel like I haven't even had a moment to define my goals let alone meet them. It's my favorite time of year and I feel like I'm missing it in terms of happiness. 

I'm asking you for help: how do I stick to health goals when I'm feeling so overwhelmed by my job?

Work and Priorities

Today my walk to work was so cold! I live at altitude, about a mile above sea level, but I just moved here from Southern California this summer and I'm not used to it getting cold so early anymore. 

I love it though.

It makes me want to buy a bunch of cute sweaters and just get my cozy cuteness on.

At work I had to give a presentation in front of a bunch of my colleagues - presenting an article - and I was totally nervous but it went pretty well and I was proud of the work I put in.

It made me think about the rest of my life and the eating and why I've been able to make work a priority when my eating isn't. I guess on the one hand it's good that I'm putting in effort at work, but on the other the eating is very personal and it's hard to feel that other things are going well when that is not.

I think I'm going to work on a post about a plan. I'm willing to do what it takes - I want to be proud of myself for my choices with food and that feeling has really been missing.

Tonight

Tonight's binge included:

A ton of chocolate chips and peanuts

Guacamole with chips

Pretzel sticks with peanut butter

2 bowls of multigrain Cheerios

More chocolate

All after a healthy dinner of chickpea veggie soup.

I'm having a hard time getting under control again. 

There's so much I want to be excited about now that fall is here and I hate being preoccupied with food and guilt.

Also I have a bunch of cute clothes that don't feel right because I'm holding on to weight like its a blanket from problems and I'm wanting to let go and trust and be okay but it's just tough.

Ps aren't these shoes cute?

Pretty

Hi pretties.

I missed you yesterday.

Today was a crazy day at work. In my job we rotate our responsibilities every month and I just went from something fairly nice and positive to a much busier crazier one and I feel so stressed.

Today for lunch I ate a couple things I wish I hadn't - there was a wrap that was ok, but I also ate chips and a cookie and not a small one. I felt gross.

Now I'm home and there's a crazy windstorm. 

I love wind but I'm feeling kind of run down right now. Not quite like getting out there and enjoying it like I would like to.

Work's kind of got me down and I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow.

It's been kind of dark here in my thoughts lately - sorry about that. For me it's sort of like I have to put on a brave and happy face in every other area of my life and saying what it really feels like is really only safe here. 

So thanks for listening, I promise it'll brighten up and be more fun to read at some point - I'm looking for my happiness.

From My Bed

I'm sitting in the dark typing away on the iPad so as not to disturb the handsome man sleeping next to me. And because I'm supposed to be sleeping.

I always ask myself when I can't sleep, why Is that? What's wrong with you that you're awake right now when you wish you were not? 

I guess my heads just too busy.

After sex he just passes out but it doesn't seem to affect my sleep at all. 

I just want the magic restorative sleep. The kind that makes me believe when I wake up that life's worth living. 

Happy dreams little birds,

Xo Erin

Awful

Today I binged on:

Chocolate chips

Peanuts

Cereal

Popcorn

And also had normal healthy meals and a snack.

And I feel terrible. 

I was trying to think about what happened that made me do this. I was doing ok for a little bit after I got home from work and then I just lost it. J was home (my man) and in and out of the house and I was sneaking handfuls and being all snappy and sneaky and it was just the worst.

Physically, being in this out of control binging phase makes me terrified because I think I'm actively gaining weight when all I want is to be like 25 pounds lighter. 

And mentally I'm acting all crazy and not myself and obsessing and feeling sick a lot of the time.

I don't know what the action plan needs to be, but I really need one and I'm getting scared of how dark my head is.

Dinner

I was really anxious all day yesterday - just so afraid of my kitchen and of eating too much.

I should clarify that this isn't like a "I've been restricting and I'm afraid of hunger because it makes me eat" thing. I've been trying to eat normal amounts and be healthy and I can't stop binging on desserts and cereal and peanut butter on top of normal meals.

So my goal yesterday was to just not have any snacks outside my plan.

My man and I went out to Thai food.

We got fresh spring rolls and I got the dinner combo which is salad, spring rolls, rice and Thai basil tofu.

After we got home I had a glass of wine and yay didn't eat anything else!

Still super anxious though. 

Afternoon

Checking in.

I didn't binge when I got home which is a huge deal.

I had an apple for snack.

Now I'm waiting on my man to pick a place for dinner. It doesn't matter too much to me what it is, as long as I'm able to eat only what I order and not eat a bunch more when I get home.

Except for wine. I consider alcohol a reasonable exception to my otherwise limited feelings of safety in my intake. 

I feel uncomfortable with an extra bite of food outside set meal times, and same with a drink of juice or something but if it's alcoholic, whatever. No problem.

It's kind of weird but whatever I've stopped judging myself for what I feel and accepted what is.

Morning Intake

I just finished lunch and I'm nervous about what to eat for the rest of the day. It's been like a week since I had a good day and didn't eat too much and I'm genuinely scared of my kitchen because I feel really fragile right now.

Fortunately I'm at work for a little while longer but hopefully I can find some strength when I get home.

Breakfast was whole grain toasted roll with peanut butter and applesauce, and black tea like always

Lunch was leftovers of penne pasta with an acorn squash sauce from a couple nights ago.

I also had a black coffee here at work.

For dinner I'm not too sure. I'll probably have a glass of wine and maybe we'll go out or maybe make stirfry or who knows. 

I think it's the uncertainty that extra scares me.

Nights

I usually sleep ok. Tonight I'm finding it hard.

It could be what I ate today, or the darkness of my mind

The dreams I have

The hopes I can't seem to let go of.

I keep thinking if I plan hard enough 

If I think hard enough about it, I can fix everything

I can turn myself into the person I want to be

He's sleeping next to me and he's so peaceful 

I'm jealous 

I want to sleep like I'm not afraid of morning

Fall

It's fall and I'm happy about that but at the same time at kind of a dark place in my mind.

I thought maybe some goals would help? Or just ideas of good things that aren't food that I'm excited about.

1. Leaves

2. Walks with our dog in the cold

3. Gloves

4. Hats

5. Cuddling in bed with the cold outside

6. Tea

7. Rain

8. Snow

9. Books

10. Studying with the crisp air outside 

11. Sweaters

12. Slippers

13. Seeing my breath

14. Ice crystals on the windows

15. Holidays when family visit

What are you excited about?