#rant

I work from 5:30 PM to 6:30 AM all week. Like I mentioned in my last post, that's overnight.

So I should be sleeping right now but I can't, I really tried but then I just started crying and the tears were like draining all over the place and my nose got sniffly and I realized I'm really upset and angry and sad and I have all these emotions but I'm not sure why and so this is a rant post.

If you don't like those you can skip it, no hard feelings.

So I'm reluctant to be too detailed about my job but suffice it to say I'm in an underpaid overworked sector of healthcare.

Most months I work 6 days a week, the majority of which are 10-13 hr days. That is 60-80 hrs a week, and I get paid terribly - it's salaried and it's standard for my job, but just awful. I haven't had a day off in 2 weeks. I last had 2 days off in a row 2 and a half months ago. I've worked all week and at least one day of the weekend that whole time. I last had a weekend day off 6 weeks ago. I switch back and forth from nights to days and on either side of those weeks I always feel exhausted and all turned around. I am required to study on top of my work hours. 

I'm sort of at the bottom of the totem pole and people treat me like shit. Im not actually a janitor but they treat me like I have about that much medical knowledge. I'm 200,000 dollars in debt from school - I've finished 8 years after high school and my damn expensive brain just gets walked over like it's someone's job. If it's not colleagues who are snapping at me, it's the patients.

I mentioned one in my last post and how I looked up to the peaceful way my senior - we should name her, let's call her Ashley - seemed to be handling it. 

The more I thought about it though, although I still look up to her, she didn't have to go into that room, I'm angry about that patient and I have a right to be.

She was completely disrespectful to me when I was trying to help her. I was trying to assess her problem and she just starts talking about how I don't know what I'm doing and she wants to see someone else. News flash bitch: it's just me. I'm the one who dropped everything at 3 am to come assess your "dizziness" and I'm the one who has been given the responsibility of helping you in the middle of the night and that's what I'm here to do. When I ask you questions, that doesn't mean I don't believe you, it means I want to hear more about what's going on and give you the best treatment possible so when you tell me "you're not giving me what I want, and you're all over the place" when in fact I am thinking and using my clinical judgment to figure out how to fix you, you make it harder for me to do my job. I am trying to help you but you have to work with me. And when you treat me disrespectfully and I tell you to dial that (the fuck) back, that is within my rights. I do not have to put up with any of that shit. I am a person and I am overworked and underpaid and under appreciated like a fucking doormat but I will trip you when you try to walk all over me.

And sure you can say you want to see someone else but here's what's up crazy: there is no one else. You want the boss to get out of bed and come in from home so you can tell her you're dizzy but you didn't like how I asked the questions about it? Not going to happen. That's not the way it works here princess. So sit the fuck down, answer my questions and for god sake let me help you. It's my job and it's all I'm trying to do. It doesn't have to be hard on any of us.

I have to go back to work in 6 hours. I haven't slept yet and I'm going to try but I don't know. 

In other news my eating has been total crap, I've started getting sugar withdrawal headaches cause I'm eating so much of it. Hoping to make that stop. 

I haven't worked out in at least 3 weeks, maybe 4. I haven't had sex in at least 2 weeks. That didn't used to matter, but I have a man to keep happy (I mean I want it to but you know).

I feel like crap all the time, like dead tired physically but also like in my general sense of wellbeing. 

Bless you for reading. See you soon.