Saturday May 31

I had an awesome day off today. I mean, there's always room for improvement but I just got a lot done and cooked and ate ok and saw some friends and it just had a lot of things I wanted in a day off.

Intake

Shredded wheat with banana and blueberries

Tofu scramble

Apple

No bake energy bites x2.5

Vegan orange chicken, rice, veggies

Beer x2

Activity

Walked my dog, helped a friend move but just a bit, hardly enough to count, and I did some shopping. Not intentional activity but my feet were still sore at the end of the day.

Hydration

42 oz right now, I'm planning on another 14 when I'm done with this post

Thoughts

I find it EXTREMELY challenging to spend a day off and finish the day with the sense that it went well. I always have more that I wish I could have finished, but when I'm overwhelmed I sort of sink into TV watching and other lazy things and end the day disappointed in myself. But today I had plans to helps friends move at 8, so that let me sleep in but still get up and be productive. And we spent lots of the day working on the house, bought a mattress, did grocery shopping, plus I bought a really gorgeous eyeshadow palette from one of my favorite companies - Pacifica, it's vegan and cruelty-free. 

I'm sad to be going back to work already tomorrow but that's real life.

Xoxo little birds

Friday May 30

Tomorrow's my day off! I'm so happy, I really feel like I've worked really hard this week and I'm so excited to just sleep in a tiny bit, and get to wear whatever I want instead of professional clothes and to just take a day, get some productive things done but also just relax.

In the immediate future I guess I'm excited about just sitting on this couch listening to Vitamin String Quartet a little longer and drinking my vodka carrot juice and typing this to you all and reading some of your latest posts and then going to bed in not too long and not worrying about my alarm.

Intake

Overnight oats with berries

Salad and fries - lunch in the cafeteria has the worst options

Out for dinner: veggie burrito, sopapilla. Didn't love the burrito, it was too salty and oily and I'm a little afraid there was butter on it which is now in my body on its way to make me sick.

Vodka carrot juice

Activity

None except the normal walk to work

Hydration

I did really well today. I remembered to get a big water bottle with lunch and I had all 33 oz of that plus 28 between my morning and evening mason jars. So that's 61. Plus some at dinner but I'm not sure how much.

Thoughts

Work was long - I didn't get home until 7. That's about a 13 hr day from the time I left, and it's been at least 12 hr days almost all week. I am tired and I feel like I don't have nearly enough time for all the other things I want to do. Sometimes I get so mad when I think about how much debt I have, how many hours I work, and how underpaid I am in comparison. 

And then I have to take a breath and let it go and be glad I have a job and that it's something I want to do. I try to remember to be grateful, sometimes I forget.

Xoxo little birds

Organization

I was saying yesterday that I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, so I'm going to make a list: these are things I need to get done.

- arrange house for arrival of sister to live with us for summer

- buy bed for said sister

- write grant

- arrange meeting with grant team after written

- make research calls

- contact research supervisor re: missing phone #s

I guess that's it. Some of these just feel like big projects.

Back later for my daily post

Xoxo little birds

Thursday May 29

Long but okay day today.

I have stressful patients that I'm taking care of right now - just a lot to do and I worry about them even when I go home, but it is nice to be helping I guess. That's why I do my job.

I got home late today but had a nice talk with my sister on the phone on my walk. 

I'm so tired all the time, I'm barely getting my work done and drowning in things I'm supposed to do. I don't feel good about myself in terms of accomplishment or physically or even my attitude or how I am as a wife or a friend. 

Ugh. That's where I'm at. The day was long but fine but I'm overwhelmed by my life in general.

Intake

Overnight oats with berries

Veggie sandwich, fries

Homemade pizza, beer x1

Activity

None

Hydration

28ish oz water. I might have some tea before bed.

Thoughts

Surprised about how much my food simplifies when I have longer work days, I don't even have time for a snack. Not that I like that, I like snacks, but it does make it easy to write down my intake. I'm going to sleep soon. I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling a little more rested.

Xoxo little birds

Wednesday May 28

Today was better than yesterday but I had the hardest time getting out of bed. I also had this terrible stomach ache/nausea episode right around lunchtime. I tried eating but it only made it worse and I had to go to work so I ended up throwing up in the men's staff restroom and then lying on the floor because it was nice and cold.

I recovered but it was no good

It got better after work - we went to the park and listened some more to our audiobook - Gone Girl. It's getting so good!

Intake

Overnight oats with fruit

Hot & sour instant soup, carrot w/ hummus

Amy's Indian frozen meal and samosa burrito

Kettle corn

Carrot

Beer x1

Activity

None

Hydration

Very poor. Maybe just my morning 14 oz. The beer and coffee don't count. I'll definitely go drink another jar at least (I drink all my water out of 12 oz. mason jars)

Thoughts

Work was better but physically it was a pretty bad day. I wanted to go home in the middle of the day and I couldn't believe how much I hurt. I'm not sure what causes these episodes but I get them probably once every 3ish weeks. They last about 2 hours, I usually take some tums. I think it's probably reflux and gastritis but it's kind of weird to me the way it always starts when I'm hungry. Still, I probably need to reduce the acid in my diet, and cut down the coffee. Thoughts?

Ps I usually browse the internet for my pics - but today's I took at the park by our house where we went after work.

(I can almost never find sources for my pics so let me know if I post one of yours and I'll credit you)

Tuesday May 27

Late post for yesterday.

I really had an awful day yesterday. Work was just really tough, I had to stay almost 2 hrs late and I felt frustrated and overwhelmed and at the same time upset that I couldn't maintain a good attitude. 

Intake

Overnight oats with berries

Acorn squash pasta with peas, sweet potato fries

Apple

Fried rice from Trader Joes

Beer

Activity 

10 min yoga

Hydration

40ish oz? I had a water bottle at work

Thoughts

Ugh I was glad to put it behind me. The best part I think was actually being a little tired but not letting myself fall asleep before getting a little naked with my man. 

Monday May 26

I've decided to start dating these posts because I love this and want to continue posting daily and it's guaranteed going to get confusing if I just keep using the days of the week.

Today was ok. I got to do some procedures at work that were fun and I was surprised to find myself good at them. But my shift was long, and tomorrow I go back to 12 hour days with 1 day off a week for the next month. I am worried about my energy and my overall feeling of being not really on top of my life. 

I'm emotional, uncomfortable in my body and feeling fatigued - a bit in my body but a lot in my soul. Going into a hard month makes me worried that I won't be able to keep it together.

Intake

Cereal with berries

Larabar Uber

Gardenburger, trail mix (3 serve)

Homemade veggie vegan pizza

Beer x1

Activity

Walk to and from work (doesn't really count) I didn't work out this morning because I barely made it out of bed in time to go to work, I was wrecked. So tired.

Hydration

Not great - I'm going to go have another 12 oz before bed but only 28 so far.

Thoughts

I'm watching the Bachelorette and it's about to end and then I'm going right to bed. I have to be at work at 6:30 and it's been a while since I've had these shifts. I want to be thriving not just surviving in my life and I really feel like I'm barely making it. Until tomorrow.

Xoxo little birds

Sunday

This post is going to be followed shortly by a post for today, but I wanted to post for yesterday first.

I failed to post in the first place because we got done driving pretty late and I fell asleep pretty quickly.

I feel like there was a lot of word repetition in those sentences oops, not going to change it. 

I was still living in shame from finding out I was more drunk than I thought on Saturday, but we made it back safe.

Intake

Out with friends: tofu and harvest vegetable scramble

Stop on the road: veggie fajitas and chips

Caramel corn

PB banana English muffin

Cereal small bowls x2

Maybe 1 other thing? I might have forgotten something.

Activity

None. Seriously piles of driving.

Hydration

I think I did well - at least 48 oz. I drank plenty with meals and had a big bottle in the car.

Thoughts

It was sad to be already coming back after such a quick trip and the 7 hour drive was really long, but the audiobook really helped. We're listening to Gone Girl (via Audible.) We're only half way through but it's just this intricate mysterious examination of a crumbling relationship and I'm really loving it. It was sad to go back to work but I did feel like we made the most of our weekend

Back in a bit with today.

Xoxo little birds

Saturday

This is a late post for yesterday.

I didn't post because I accidentally got super wasted and passed out.

I don't exactly know what happened because I didn't think I had that much but I was drinking at a party in the afternoon and apparently I blacked out, went on an uncharacteristically angry rant to my husband about who knows what (not at him, something else) then got super sick while riding in the car and threw up kind of all over the place.

It's embarrassing, I'm not a new drinker, I should really be able to not get belligerent and I'm really surprised that it happened.

Intake

Cereal with berries

2 Lara Uber Bars

Apple

Salad

Too much beer/wine 

(Threw up at this point)

Black bean avocado burger w/ fries

Activity

None really, tons of driving

Hydration

Lots after the puking, not much before

Thoughts

I'm really embarrassed - I really feel like a first class idiot and I should know better. There were some great parts of the day but overall there was a strong sense of it being far separated from my ideal life.

Ugh. Today's a little better so far, though has its flaws too. I'll be back later to post.

Xoxo little birds

Stranger

I went for a short run both yesterday and the day before and I feel like a complete stranger in my body. 

It's been several months since I last exercised regularly, I've put on 10 pounds in the past year. I feel wobblier, softer, weaker, I am sometimes startled by the sight of my thighs or the way my stomach rolls. If I guessed I would say it looks like I've put on even more than I have, some of which is probably because it's more fat and less muscle. 

I've been uncomfortable for a while and there's a large part of wardrobe I can't wear because it doesn't fit, but I felt it come to a caricature of weight gain yesterday while I was running. 

I was wearing a nice Lululemon running shirt but despite the cut and coverage I felt like the weight on my hips and stomach might wobble so hard it would stretch the rest if me, like taffy stretching and pulling and landing on the ground.

I'm riding in the car right now on my weekend trip so I have a moment to think and I guess I'm just worried because I've never successfully lost weight while actually eating enough. 

But these past few days I think I've been reasonable, listening to my hunger, getting active. I just want to keep being healthy and reasonable, in a way that allows me to go down 10 pounds back to a healthy happy weight for me. 

And I really don't want to count calories, but idk if I can both eat enough and not too much without it.

:/

Xoxo little birds

Friday

I had the day off today and was not as productive as I was hoping to be - I got less of my application for grant money and less of my research done than I wanted. 

I went shopping and got a super cute trendy outfit from Forever 21. Maybe I'll post a pic later, but I got some high waisted shorts and a loose crop top, which I haven't really embraced as a look yet, and it's cute.

Intake

Water/coffee

Smoothie

Quesadilla, apple

Larabar Uber

Mac & Squash

Beer x3 (it's Memorial Day weekend woo!)

Activity

25 min yoga/Pilates

25 min run with my dog

Hydration

42 oz water with squeezes of lemon

Thoughts

We're making a 6 hour drive tomorrow and visiting friends. I'm excited but also nervous because I feel like it'll be hard to eat healthy - ill bring a lot of snacks and try to be smart.

Advice for travel?

Xoxo little birds

Thursday

I don't know what to title these daily posts so I'm just going with the day of the week.

This morning when I got out of bed I had this sort of welty scratch on my leg and my first thought was "oh my gosh is that a sex injury?" But then I realized its equally possible I sustained it walking into the corner of my bed.

Intake

Water/coffee

Smoothie

Apple

Vegan quesadilla (yes 2 days in a row it's just so dang good), banana

Soy London Fog (like an earl grey tea latte)

3 carrots w/ hummus

Larabar Uber

Dinner out at a brewery: simple green salad with herb vinaigrette, roasted balsamic Brussels sprouts -amazing

Activity

25 min run

Few mins Pilates/strength

Hydration

I think I hit all the way to the magic 64 oz. today of water. 

Also no alcohol today. Not that it's so unusual to have a day without a drink, but I have had 1 on most days in the past couple weeks. When the weather turned hot I just felt like nothing sounded better than a beer in the early evening with the sun streaming in.

Thoughts

I felt weird about having the extra Larabar as a snack today because I kind of plan on 1-3 snacks but not more and that was a fourth. However, that snack limit is just supposed to give me a reasonable range so I don't get hungry between meals and since I had waited plenty of time from the previous snack and tried drinking 12 oz of water first, I felt it was a victory to make the choice to eat that since it was real hunger I was feeling. I was also super proud of getting out and running even though it was slow and not very far because I haven't gone in ages.

How was your day?

Xoxo little birds

Wednesday

I texted my man around noon today a little teaser about sex tonight and the anticipation made it that much better just now when we got to it.

Meanwhile, it was a decent day. I had work for the afternoon but had time in the morning. The management company for our house (we rent) sent someone out to switch over the heat to the cooling system and it's so much nicer in the house now with the cooler on.

Intake

Overnight oats

Iced coffee/flavored water

Vegan quesadilla, apple

Orange

Vegan chicken tenders, green beans, mashed potato/cauliflower

Beer x1

Activity

Dog walk

40 min yoga

Hydration

48ish oz. (3.5 x 12 oz mason jars + partially empty water bottle)

Thoughts

I did a real longer yoga session today than the 10 minute warmups I'd had time for last month and it felt awesome. I also feel really good about my food and proud of my hydration - though that was really tough I felt like I was constantly peeing today. It's always a balance. I feel like I made a good effort in all the areas that are important to me right now. I hope I can keep it going tomorrow.

Xoxo little birds

End of May Plan

I do best when I take my life in small portions. Thinking about doing anything "for the rest of my life" feels insane. There's no way I would ever succeed with that as an ideal. I am capable of taking things 1  minute to one day at a time. Not much more. Even monthly goals feel tough.

So realizing that, I want to make a plan just until the end of May - about 10 more days. 

Taking what I learned from my 7 Day Challenge, I'm trying to come up with something that's reasonable but with improvements based on where I've realized I am over the past week.

So...my End of May Happiness Plan

1. Food: 3 meals + 1-3 snacks per day. Clean vegan food. For now, no desserts, but plenty of fruit.

2. Activity: 10 minutes minimum every day. The activity doesn't matter, but my usual walk to work doesn't count.

3. Hydration: Still going for 48 oz. per day. 

4. Free Time: The man and I had a convo about watching too much TV and the truth is it's way too much. I want to read more, study a bit, do something creative (including blogging) with more of my time.

And...post every day if I can, because you and your comments and ears (eyes I guess if we're being technical) help me.

Xoxo little birds

Day 7

Intake

Overnight oats

Larabar

Salad

Watermelon

Beer x2

Quinoa stir fry

Popcorn

Activity

Walk to work

Hydration

30ish oz.? No less. Oops

Thoughts

It's the final day of this challenge. I did pretty poor. Didn't hydrate well. But I wrote every day and I'm proud of that. I'm exhausted, good night.

Day 6

Intake

Overnight oats

Larabar

Glass wine

Pita, hummus, tabbouleh

Watermelon

Potato/cauliflower

Probs something else before I brush my teeth

Activity

Walk to work

Water

? I really don't know. 30ish oz.

Thoughts

I didn't have a chance to eat all day, had a Larabar, and then went to an event where there was significantly less food than I expected. So I'm finally eating my first real meal at 930. I'm so tired and I have to be at work at 7.

Xoxo little birds

Day 5

Intake

Water/coffee

Oatmeal with fruit

Veggie burger and salad from cafeteria

5 Oreos

Coconut chocolate Luna bar

Coconut curry popcorn

Beer

Veggie pasta marinara with 2 vegan meatballs

Few chocolate chips

Activity

Walk to and from work

Water

50 oz

Thoughts

I finally met my hydration goal again today for the first time since Day 1, other than that I have to also be proud that I took a lunch break and got real food. I was also startled by my weight this morning, though I didn't make any efforts with my intake to address that today. I'm wanting to make plans but I'm not ready for I big change right now, so I think I'll take the next 2 days for planning my next phase while I complete my current 7 day challenge.

Xoxo little birds

Weight Reality Check

As part of my recovery I've been telling myself that it's important to eat enough, and I was able to get there, but for quite a while now I have definitely swung too far to the other side and I currently meet all the criteria for binge eating disorder.

Instead of using the haziness of starvation to deal with my feelings, I now numb them with food.

I weighed myself this morning and had a 10 pound weight gain from this time last year. The final few pounds have been relatively slow and steady over the last few months, but I have to face reality: I'm actively gaining weight, and I don't need to - I would still be in the healthy range if I were 25 pounds lighter.

Not to mention that I feel uncomfortable, slow, wobbly, my clothes don't fit and I just really want to be back to my normal self.

So ... It's time to face reality. What I'm doing isn't working. My weight doesn't matter that much to me, but my size is uncomfortable right now. 

I have a pair of jeans that when it fits me easily I know I'm at a comfortable weight.  

Obviously weight is an easy way to track my progress, so I will be weighing in, but in conjunction with body fat percentage and how I feel. 

So I'll be back later with an action plan and my Day 5 post.

Xoxo little birds

Day 4

Intake

Water/naked juice, coffee

Cereal with fruit

3 carrots with hummus

Vegan veggie quesadilla

Small bowl cereal

Apple

Veggie patty with mustard

Few pickle slices

Few chocolate chips

Curry Thai popcorn

Salt and pepper kettle chips

Beer x2

Rice, veg, vegan orange chicken, bit of red wine

Activity

Dog walk

Water

14 oz. juice/water mix x2

10 oz tea

Thoughts

Much of my afternoon was a total binge but I did successfully complete my work, buy coffee filters, take a shower, do dishes, clean up the house, and chop up that watermelon. I feel way too full now but  I'm hanging out with my man and that's nice.

Xoxo little birds

Day Off

So I have the day off today. It's noon and literally all I've done is sleep til 8:15, walk my dog, eat some breakfast and watch TV. 

What should I be doing?

1. I need to dictate clinic notes from yesterday.

2. I think I would feel better if I did some physical activity.

3. I also really need a shower.

4. I should probably have lunch within the hour so I don't get hangry.

5. We're out if coffee filters so I should probably buy some.

6. There's an enormous half a watermelon in my fridge I'd like to chop up.

7. I need to work on my grant application. 

So ... It's not like there isn't plenty of time because I'm off today and I'm skipping lecture. But that's sort of the problem. Since I feel like there's plenty of time I tend to put off starting the productive things in favor of TV and the internet.

Well, going to try to get started.

Xoxo little birds

Day 3

Intake

Cereal with bananas and berries

7 trail mix cookies

Potatoes and cauliflower with peas

Watermelon

Beer

Quinoa medley with corn and peas

Red wine (??? :/ not sure how much)

Activity

Dog walk

Water

12 oz.

Thoughts

All right I did have way too little in the hydration area. Also I'm beginning to realize I might drink too much. And as I mentioned earlier I was really upset over my cookie binge. Silver lining I spent a lot of time with a patient who really needed it and I felt good about that. 

I'm sad but functional. That's how I would phrase it.

Xoxo little birds

Anxiety

I'm so anxious today and my eating has been reflecting it.

I feel gross and upset, unhappy and anxious and scared and I don't know why. 

I constantly feel like my ideal life (like the cuteness of the above picture) is in such stark contrast to my actual life. 

Ideal life: wake up early, go for a fast run, do some strength training, shower, kiss my husband, get dressed cute, eat a healthy breakfast, go to work, learn things, help people, drink water, make good choices, be kind to people, pray, read a book, have a tea, see some friends, cook a little, have sex, fall asleep early.

Real life: sleep in for ages, wake up with a headache, stumble out too late, take my dog on an overdue walk, watch YouTube videos and netflix while I eat a questionable breakfast of too much coffee and cereal, clip back my greasy hair, put on clothes that all have too much dog hair, go to a meeting I'm not prepared for, eat 7 cookies in the car on the drive, watch 3 more hours of netflix, work a bit, grumble, swear about the bitches at my job, underhydrate, feel a little sick, snack too much but still eat dinner, drink a little too much beer, fall asleep before sex, repeat.

Ugh. See you later for my Day 3 post.

Xoxo little birds

Day 2

Today, day 2, was a work day. I had the 7-5 shift and now I'm home enjoying some netflix.

Intake

Berry Blast Naked Juice with mostly water

Coffee

Raspberry, Strawberry, Banana oatmeal

Chocolate chip cookie dough Larabar

2 chocolate PB pretzels

2 almond chocolates

1/2 apple

Beer

Veggie vegan pizza on flatbread with small glass white wine

Beer

Activity

Walk to work

Water

14 oz. water w/ juice splash for flavoring

33 oz Smartwater

Thoughts

I actually felt kind of sick for a lot of the day. In the morning my stomach felt really acidic, I was full after just my water and had a hard time eating my breakfast, but I knew if I didn't I might not get another chance for a real meal all day. And then the stomach pain continued through most of the morning. I was right about not having a chance to eat, I scarfed a Larabar and stole a couple chocolates from the snack drawer but that was it. At 5:15 on the way home I had half my apple, but I felt really gassy and ill by then - probably because some of the chocolates were milk chocolate and I'm really dairy sensitive. I eat mostly vegan but I sometimes flex it and I think I shouldn't. I was proud of drinking some more water at work than usual. I also missed my morning 10 min stretches because my in-laws were here and sleeping in the living room and second bedroom, and I do feel weird about my lack of activity. I am REALLY proud of not snacking more after dinner because I haven't been able to avoid that in ages - but I kind of had more alcohol than I intended. Oh well. I don't have to work in the morning woo.

See you soon.

Xoxo little birds

Day 1

Food Intake:

Raspberry banana oatmeal

Apple

Peas with mashed cauliflower potatoes

Blueberry Larabar

4 vegan trail mix cookies

1 Beer

Few pickle slices

Veggie patty

Out with family: pecan lentil burger over lettuce with French fries

Activity:

Walk to campus for appt

Few laps around dog park

Water:

14 oz. w/ diluted juice x3

10 oz. tea

Water w/ dinner

Total: 52+ oz.

Thoughts: The cookies were totally a binge - I wasn't even hungry I was just grocery shopping and anxious and sad and I bought them and ate them in the car while I drove. I do have to give myself credit for not eating the whole bag - there were still 6 left and I put them away. But then I still had a beer and French fries with my dinner. Otherwise I also wasn't that happy with how I spent my day. I wish I'd been more productive and done more physical activity but I still kind of wallowed. If I could do the day differently I would definitely change some food things but also some activity things. I was good on the water.

All right, day 2 tomorrow. We'll see.

Xoxo little birds

7 Day Challenge

It's spring and I've been feeling less than myself for far too long.

The blooms are fresh and the wild animals are having babies and everything's fresh and I want to feel that way too.

I don't really believe in living on a diet or doing anything for a short period of time that isn't sustainable long term, so this isn't a cleanse or anything, I just want to put some extra focus on my health in the coming days and I'll be posting about it here.

So here's the challenge:

1. Write down everything I eat each day. Not calorie counting, just the what and how much.

2. Drink at least 48 oz. water each day. I know that's not really enough but it's a lot more than I currently get.

3. Post every day, good or bad.

And that's all I'm asking of myself. I'm not making exercise rules. I'm not making diet restriction rules. I just want to hydrate and be aware of what I'm doing. We'll go from there and see what changes I identify that might need to be made.

I'll be back later with today's post.

Xoxo little birds

Happy May

Hi friends. It's been a while and I'm sorry. I miss you. I miss you a lot.

I guess I stopped posting because I had nothing but negative to say, and I was too deep into it to be helpful to all of you, but that was selfish and almost certainly the wrong course of action. After all, I feel better when I'm talking to all of you.

Anyway, it's Spring now, it's gorgeous out, I have the day off and I was feeling inspired to try to change my life instead of wallowing.

So happy May, I'm back, I missed you, and in my next post my 1 week challenge.

Xoxo little birds