Just Super Quick

Just a lightning fast post to tell you I'm sorry I've not been keeping up the past couple days.

I made it safely back to LA, I'm enjoying the New Year's weekend with my boyfriend, and I'll do a full update post on Sunday when I have more time.

I'm feeling much better now that I'm not eating dessert, I haven't been binging. I feel like it's going to be a slow road to my goals (I gained like 8 pounds in the past couple weeks), but I'm hopeful and not too anxious.

And tonight, we drink champagne!

Happy New Year my loves. You're wonderful and I'm excited to catch up on all your posts when I get a chance.

The First Day

The first day trying to be back in a healthy mindset is proving to be both easier and harder than I thought.

I didn't eat until 1 pm for the simple reason that nothing felt safe or good. This was nice in that I didn't feel even a little like binging. I'm pretty indiscriminate about what I eat (as long as it's vegan) when I'm not thinking about being healthy, but normally when I'm on track I still get really anxious if I can't find something that feels "right." I didn't want cereal, or oatmeal, or bread or fruit or anything really.

A couple hours later I ate some Indian spiced potatoes, a whole wheat roll and an orange, but it wasn't really that good. Sometimes it's really hard for me to be happy about eating food when I want to be losing weight.

Otherwise today, I'm just enjoying some time with my family before I fly back to LA tomorrow, and knitting. I'm working on a sweater. It should be pretty I think.

The day continues, but I just kind of feel anxious not knowing what Mom will make for dinner. I want to be okay, not freaked out all the time.

Fly me into the New Year.

It's starting. 

A new year of goals, inspiration, plans for joy.

It's never easy to make everything go right at the same time, but if some things are working for me, maybe those beyond my control will be more manageable.

This is me in Barcelona 2 years ago. I was heavier, yes, but happier too. At my lowest weight, when I looked lovely but a little scary, and didn't get my period, I was never this happy.

This year I want both fitness and joy, and I want to beat the disorder.

I made new pages for both food and exercise that pretty well outline my 2011 goals, so I would love to have you lovelies check them out and make suggestions.

The important points:

• Continue to be vegan. Return to whole foods and keep trying new recipes.
• No desserts (except on 6 planned holidays throughout the year.)
• Eat about 1600 calories per day to start. Adjust as needed to continue weight loss/speed up loss if I get frustrated, but not to drop below 1200 per day.
• Reach goal weight of 107.8 pounds by April 1, 2011. In time for...
• Running my next half marathon on April 10, 2011. See the training plan in the exercise tab.

• Other goals (not on the other pages) include making it through the rest of the second year of medical school, passing the first part of boards, and starting third year clinical rotations with some strength and confidence, even though I won't know everything.

And of course, I want to keep up with all of you and see you get everything you want this year.

Let's do it!

A Holiday Recap

I'm feeling motivated to move forward into 2011 and not look back too much, but that'll be in another post. For this one I just want to do a quick holiday recap.

Christmas Eve: I actually counted calories, which I've not been doing, and which I really MUST do or I binge. I ended up at 1800, and was pretty happy with it, because it's a huge step down. I think I've seriously averaged about 3000 most days this break.

My Christmas Eve dinner: Great Harvest muffin, hot chocolate almond milk, oranges (x3)

Doughnuts for the rest of the family. We do a picnic by the Christmas Tree.

Christmas Day: I took the day off from food pics, and the food guilt. It was enjoyed. I gained some weight assuredly. Moving on. I opened presents and got some sweet things

- A Road ID - for running, it has contact info, ID, blood type etc. engraved on it, in case I get run over or pass out or whatever. I asked for it a few months ago, and I'm really excited. Not that I plan to get hurt, I just think it's a good idea, and it looks legit. 

- Veganomicon and How it All Vegan (cookbooks - SO excited about this)

- Some gift cards and cash. 

Boxing Day AKA Dec 26: We had Christmas with the extended family. It was nice, I baked pumpkin muffins to contribute that people loved. I also binged on peanut butter oreos in the afternoon. They're the best oreo flavor, but so dang bad for me. Gosh. Anyway, it was nice to have the whole large family together. 

I helped put a pretty big dent in this spread. 

Now: This past week (actually like 2.5 weeks, starting with finals) has really just felt like one big long binge with a few days on track thrown in. I don't want to know what I weigh, but I guarantee I gained a fair amount of genuine weight. The biggest concern I have is actually how ambivalent I feel about it. I mean, I'm upset, one moment I feel like a crazy ugly fat binging monster, but then the next moment I'll be like, screw it, it's the holidays, there's plenty of time to be on track later. What if later never comes?

Well, no more waiting for later. Tomorrow I'll be posting very specific goals for the coming months and being back on track. I've made some plans, and I'm excited to share them.

Until then, a final Happy Holidays to you all.

Merry Christmas Loves.

Two years ago, I was here in Madrid at Christmas time, studying abroad for 4 months.

I weighed 20 pounds more than I do now.

I was happy.

This Christmas, I challenge you (and me) to throw our insecurities up to heaven and get a little peace on earth, for a day, an hour, or just a minute. I'm having a hard time, but I'm trying.

You're beautiful and I hope you have a Merry Christmas. 

Christmas Eve = Love

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

First off, I just wanted to let you all know that I added an "about and contact" page, tabbed at the top. If there's anything else you'd like to know or see on there, let me know, I am an open book for you, my loves.

I also added a picture. Now I'm really out there. Eep.

My day has been good so far. I baked Morning Glory muffins to take to the church breakfast in the morning. Morning Glory muffins are an ideal breakfast: whole wheat flour, raisins, carrots, apples, walnuts, yay! I made these mini for sharing at church. About 60 calories each, and I ate a few for breakfast/lunch.

Second lunch, or whatever it would be, at 3 pm, was some Spinach Dal (Indian lentils) with 1/2 cup brown rice. It's not pretty but it tastes delicious. This bowl is 305 calories.

I also had 3 cherry tomatoes around 5 pm.

Tonight should be good. My middle sister, E, she's 17, doesn't get back from a trip until late this evening (like 11 pm) so we're waiting for her to do our traditional Christmas Eve dinner. We always have doughnuts (I'm having an ultra-healthy Great Harvest muffin instead), hot chocolate (I'll be heating some chocolate almond milk) and oranges, and my Dad reads the Christmas story from the Bible, then we all open one present. I'm excited for E to be back. My other two sisters, S (20) and N (15), are here, but it will be nice to have the whole family together finally.

Happy Christmas again, I hope you're all having a holiday that rocks your socks.

The Unstoppable Food Monster

It's me. I'm the crazy wild eating creature. But I DID take a picture of absolutely everything, which did at least make me think about it a little. It didn't stop me from eating like a crazy person, but it is interesting (well, depressing) to actually see the evidence.

Before we get to the food, my shopping downtown went well. I found a lovely sweater for my boyfriend and it was nice to be out for the afternoon. I didn't even think about food during that time ... except when I tried on some clothes. I probably shouldn't have in this state, I'd like to block that from my memory. I just felt so gross.

And now:

A Day in Food

10 am: Oatmeal: 40 g oats, 4.5 ounces almond milk, 1/2 chopped banana

11 am: White chocolate mocha - 20 g Ghirardelli powder with 9.5 ounces original almond milk, heated over the stove. It makes me feel classier than the microwave.

1:30 pm: Leftover yellow Thai curry with 1 cup brown rice

5 pm: Although this is a picture of the whole fruit bowl, I just ate the apple.

6 pm: (With the family) Homemade guacamole (2 avocados worth) with my new favorite World Market chips (far far too many - this bag is now gone) and Amy's vegan black bean enchiladas. I love them.

7 pm: Double Chocolate Peppermint Cookies. This was a new recipe that turned out awesome. My family loved them, I may post the recipe later. Unfortunately, I think I ate like 6 over the course of the evening. They were great with the baby glass of almond milk.

10 pm: Soy vanilla ice cream with Adam's natural crunchy peanut butter

10:30 pm: The final bites of the day, half a graham cracker. No idea why. I don't even like them that much.

And there we have it. 

I'm very full.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I do hope I make some better choices. I would like to actually be hungry for Christmas dinner, instead of holding onto a binge hangover.

On a lighter note, Merry Christmas/Christmas Eve (depending on what side of the world you're from). You're all lovely and I hope this holiday brings you everything you've dreamed about. 

Blech.

Not quite there yet...

Despite my best intentions as of last night, I still ate a lot of crap stuff today. It started good, but it all just sort of broke down. My day:

7 am: 50 mins yoga
10:30 am: Oatmeal squares with almond milk and 1/2 banana
2 pm: Thai curry with brown rice (I have a serious love affair with Thai food)

3 pm: Snack binge - like 4 bowls of cereal, a couple graham crackers, some chocolate with peanut butter, a few pita chips, some mixed nuts. Not huge quantities of any one thing, but I wasn't even hungry at all. Not even when I started.

6 pm: Mom's pot pie - (made vegan - she's so supportive, it's wonderful) I forgot to take a picture, but it was lovely.

8 pm: A couple GIANT bowls of vegan ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate chips. 

Now I'm feeling super full and realizing it's only a week until I fly back and see my boyfriend and he CANNOT see me like this. I could seriously be 6 months pregnant. 

Part of the problem I think is that while I love being on break, I don't actually have that much to do (besides some studying - which I'm kind of ignoring until after Christmas) and I just stay home in this house full of delicious food. 

Tomorrow's plan:

-Run or yoga in the morning.

-Go downtown, enjoy the festive atmosphere, browse for a present from my boyfriend (no pressure though, I don't need it until the 29th)

-Take a picture of everything I eat, even if I binge, in the hope that getting out the camera will either deter me or shock me into some better choices in the future. Either way, you, my lovely readers, are hopefully getting a photo food diary at the end of tomorrow. 

Much love darlings, hope your days are all right.

Center Stage.

I just watched Center Stage with my family. I'm so thinspired. I haven't been binging too much in the past couple days, but I have been overeating a little, and lots of sugary stuff. I mean, sure, Christmas is the time for it, but I think tomorrow I mostly want vegetables. 

I especially love Maureen (Susan May Pratt). Look at those gorgeous collarbones.

Happy Tuesday loves, hope it's going all right.

Gosh I love break.

I've been lying low the past couple days. Saturday's binge made me feel really sick all day on Sunday, I was just incredibly nauseous all day and stayed in bed. I took the opportunity to really think about how not worth it the binging is, and I'm really hoping I can keep in that mindset. Moving on...

Monday's breakfast was Apple Crisp - the Betty Crocker recipe, but veganized. It wasn't exactly diet friendly, but it felt like a triumph because this is something I would have been terrified to eat in the height of my ED, and I was able to enjoy it with my family. And tea. Mmm.

Lovely crispy texture.

I ate part before I remembered to take a picture...it was that delicious.

My sisters, mom and I did some Christmas shopping that took us a few places, but my favorite was Cost Plus World Market. I seriously love that store. I got some vegan chocolate (the Ghirardelli 72% dark - 1 piece is so satisfying), some pasta, some spicy/sweet flaxseed chips, some dark chocolate spread (Nutella isn't vegan but sometimes I crave something similar), and I helped my mom pick things out for a food basket for my aunt. The real treasure, though, was this:

It's one of the only vegan brands of hot chocolate mix because it's designed to be made with milk. It's kind of hard to find around here. I tried it this morning and it was lovely. 25 g/2 tbsp = 100 calories, but it was a little too sweet, so in the future I wouldn't use a whole serving. 

This morning, these little guys were in our field. Cute or scary? I can't decide. Anyway, I guess these llamas belong to the neighbors but they like to graze in our pasture during the day.

You would think maybe our dog, Rocket, would chase them off, but he's getting kind of old, so he just sort of barks feebly and then ignores them. But he is so cute:

The final delightful afternoon project was making some vegan muddy buddies. If you're not familiar, it's basically rice chex coated with chocolate/peanut butter/earth balance mixture, then tossed with powdered sugar. Sugary heaven. And I haven't binged, that's a wonderful feeling.

That's my sister's lovely hand modeling for us. 

Other activities of the day have basically been just knitting and watching movies with my sisters. I love Christmas break.

Unconventional thinspiration.

Maybe it's a bad idea to have an animated character as part of my thinspiration, but I love her. She's always been my favorite, because she was sassy and moody and flawed but good at heart. And pixie-tiny. Of course.

Again?

Thanks so much for your replies on my last post. I can't talk about this to anyone in my "real life" and I'm really feeling the encouragement so a thousand hugs to all of you.

Today I binged again, but a little less. (If you're not really that interested in the details, you can skip to the end at this point, I understand.)
- I skipped breakfast because I was totally full from binging so late last night.
- At lunch I had this delicious vegetable soup my mom makes and a piece of toast with Earth Balance.
- It started about 4 pm, right around snack time. I was just going to have a few nuts and an apple, a nice healthy snack, then I kept eating.
- Way too many nuts later (I finished them off), my family decided to have dinner, so I had a couple vegan corn dogs. I can't remember the last time I had one, and they were so delicious. I pause in this binge report to tell you, these are the best vegan corn dogs ever:

They're Heritage brand, and they use Linketts for the hot dog, which is what I grew up eating.

They tasted like great comfort food. I do not regret this part of the binge.

- Then from there I had some cereal with almond milk (when I say some, it's like 5 bowls at least), some lemon sorbet, an orange, like a quarter box of vanilla wafers with peanut butter, the end of a bag of potato chips (this was weird, I almost never eat salty things on a binge), 2 16-oz. bottles of grapefruit juice, and probably some other stuff.

- Sadly, the whole time I think all I really wanted was chocolate, but there's no vegan chocolate anywhere in the house.

The good news is that I'm feeling more able to just let it go. Tomorrow's a new day. I am extremely glad that I decided NOT to bring my scale home though, because I'm certain seeing the number right now would send me off the deep end.

I went to church today (I'm Seventh-Day Adventist, so we go on Saturdays) and saw some dear friends and listened to our excellent men's choir and just felt a lot more peaceful in my soul. It didn't stop the binge, but it is helping me let it go.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get myself back on track with some grocery shopping with my mom, and hopefully some exercise. I think the endorphin high has been significantly lacking lately in my life. Also I plan to purchase some vegan chocolate. No more of this eating things that aren't really what I want. That's just crazypants.

Oh failure. So familiar. Binging sucks.

Thanks for the comments on my lunch post loves. The carrots tasted great, like super healthy pumpkin pie almost.

I was doing well on holding off a binge. I literally started to eat something, then threw it away because I knew I wasn't hungry. But around 3 this afternoon, I don't really know what happened. It started with "just a granola bar" and ended with eating peanut butter out of the jar with a knife. With lots in between. Then I was really quite full and thought, that's okay, I'll just wait until tomorrow to eat again.

Then I flew home (flight was fine, it's great to be home). And proceeded to eat more. First dinner - indian curry - was delicious. But then I just kept eating. I wasn't even hungry to begin with. I ate a couple bowls of cereal, a few potato chips, a bagel with peanut butter, a piece of potato bread, and I'm sure more that I can't remember.

And now I feel sick and disgusting of course. I hate this so much.

If I'm going to have disordered eating, fine. I'd really prefer to go back to the not eating side of things though, feeling sick all day after my binge isn't really any better than feeling hazy from lack of food. Either way I can't focus.

I want to find balance. I just want to be okay.

Pumpkin Pie Spiced Carrots

A recipe? More of an idea. Today for lunch I was trying to figure out what on earth I could eat since I have very little food, as I'm flying out to home today. I had a big bag of carrots, and decided some spiced carrots might be just the thing:

Pumpkin Pie Spiced Carrots

4 carrots

6 g vegan margarine (Earth Balance)

1 tsp (4 g) brown sugar

Generous shakes of allspice, ginger, cinnamon and cloves

1. Peel, slice, and steam the carrots for 10 minutes.

2. Microwave together margarine, sugar and spices, about 20 seconds. 

3. Stir all together.

170 calories.

No, that wasn't a balanced meal, but I was saving some calories for the end of my wine....

In other news, tests are done, Happy Christmas Break!

A little more lost.

I'm down another 0.6 pounds to 114 this morning. Again, I'm sure it's just easy binge weight coming off. I've decided I don't think I'll take my scale with me when I fly home today, though it is tempting, I'm supposed to be less of a slave to it now. Maybe if I go cold turkey it'll help break the habit. And before I go, a little taste of where I'm headed this evening. 

This is my house, full of my wonderful family. Please ignore our incredibly sad-looking lawn. 

This is the winter sunrise from my back porch. If you look closely, there's a little snow on the ground. Just a few hours left (and one exam) until my flight.

Christmas?

Christmas is so close!! And it looks like Christmas in my house, yay! Just one more exam and I fly home.

This little guy is sitting on top of some Christmas presents! We did a roommate gift exchange this evening, and I got this sweet heart rate monitor watch:

I can't wait to try it out on a run.

--------------------------------

And now to the food:

7:30 am Peanut butter banana oatmeal and tea

12 pm Soup Plantation meal - I was happy to see a couple vegan soup options. Here's my tray: two soups and a big salad. I also had a baby apple for dessert.

4 pm (unpictured) Hot pumpkin spice soymilk and an apple

7 pm Fiesta salad - I love giant salads. I make them in really big bowls so they're easy to mix around. This one had lettuce, corn, black beans and salsa. I also had a piece of toast and a couple carrots with dinner.

Daily total: 1324 calories. 

I really badly wanted to binge and I didn't. It feels harder to resist because I gave in so many days in a row, I keep thinking, oh one more day won't hurt, it wouldn't be the end of the world if you ate that one thing. But this is serious emotional binging I've been doing, and I want it to stop, so I'm proud to be done for the day.

I know lots of you have finals/have just finished finals, so good luck, or welcome to Christmas break!