End-of-Week Weigh-in

Thanks loves for your comments on my last post (ten things). 

In answer to a couple of your questions:

My sisters are all younger, but actually not annoying at all. We're really close, though we did used to bicker a lot when we were younger.

I think if I got the dog, I'd let my boyfriend name it, since he's kind of compromising on getting a small dog like that, I could at least give him that. 

And finally, yes I was studying abroad when I lived in Spain. It was fall of my senior year of college, and I finished my Spanish minor while I was there. 

Ok, now to today.

I'm kind of having a hard time. Healthy weight loss is so frustratingly slow and I'm just feeling really triggered lately. I've been watching lots of ED videos/documentaries and remembering how fast I lost weight this summer and I'm just frustrated because I know I can safely lose like 12 more pounds (though my body might fight me a little) but it'll take ages actually eating enough, and I think it's worth it, but I've realized that mentally I'm still just as obsessed and disordered as before, I've just trained myself to eat 1200+ instead of 600-. 

I try to study and it's just a constant cycle, like:

What am I having for lunch? A tofurky sandwich. How many calories? 100 calories bread, 80 calories lunch meat, one of those slices was really thick, maybe I should add 5 more calories? It's already logged in my phone, maybe I should add more. A cup of lettuce is 8 or 16? Is there a whole cup of lettuce on my sandwich? Probably not, that's okay, better overestimate. How much of the cucumber did I put on there? A third? Is that like 20 calories? No, it wasn't that much of it, still, I'll leave it like that. What am I having for snack? Trail mix. Should I eat snack? Maybe not. I don't know what I'm having for dinner. Anxiety anxiety anxiety. What should I cook? It needs to be less than 400 calories. Why am I so fat? I should just stop eating. No, I need to eat enough so I can focus. Am I focusing now? Obviously not. Why am I still so fat? Will I ever feel thin again? I want to go shopping. Who am I kidding, I'll cry if I try on clothes now. I ran this morning, maybe I should have run faster. What should I have for breakfast tomorrow? Cereal. With a banana. Half a banana? I should eat more earlier in the day so I don't binge, but what if then I do binge even though I ate more? Then it's just even MORE calories. I don't know what to do. Why am I so fat?

That's kind of what my head is like.

Weigh-in: 119.8. That's 1.4 pounds down from Monday, but I had gained on Monday, so really it's the same as 2 weeks ago.

I want to be 108 so much. 

Frick.

I love you all.