February, Feb-ulous?

I actually sort of hate puns. But I'm still going with that post title.

Why? Because this is a great month to get fabulous. I feel like I'm reading a lot of posts from you all about how you're feeling inspired, and this is going to be your month etc.

I agree. It feels like something's starting.

I think I need some February goals:

1. Get caught up on study plan for boards. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but it's the ginormous monster of a test that determines if I'll be able to get into residency/go on to third year - biggest test of my life so far. It's on May 27, but by most standards, my prep is already behind.

2. No binges. I've sort of had a hard time lately deciding what actually constitutes a binge, but I think I'd like this to be the month I really start listening and never eat when I'm not actually hungry.

3. Get fitter. This means keeping up with my training plan, as well as losing a few pounds. I'm not setting a number, as I don't want to get to Feb 27 and pressure myself to do something unhealthy to try to reach my goals.

4. Be present. I spend so much time wishing for the next minute/hour/day/week/month/year of my life. This is actually a lifelong goal I guess, but I'd like to give it a little focus this month.

I think maybe it's finally not slacking in the rest of my life (studying etc.) that has me feeling like I'm ready to be on track with food too. Whatever, the reason, it's lovely.

Weigh-in: 122.2 (Down 1.2 from yesterday, but I'm sure that was extra food weight)

Workout: 5 mile run.

Food: 1269 calories.
Theoretically I want to be eating like 1400 right now, as sort of an experiment to up my intake and keep myself from binging, but I seriously was so full with what I ate today. Great, I guess.

It's a great day to start again.

Hey angels. It was a big weekend for me, sorry I've been a little absent. 

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post. I feel encouraged and ready to start anew. You're all quite wise. 

Quick weekend recap:

Thursday/Friday: Drove 7 hours up the coast to present my summer research at a conference. I feel really proud of this. I'm a published scientific author. Wow. I'm not old enough or smart enough for that. I stayed there Thursday night. 

View from the hotel room. Sweet.

Lunch on Friday. Angel hair pasta in a white wine sauce with asparagus, tomato, edamame, porcini mushrooms and spinach. Avocado on the side. I saved half for later.

Friday: Drove back down the coast to visit boyfriend. 

Saturday: Lovely lazy day. A few errands, lunch out with boyfriend. 

Boyfriend's: Turkey Burger

(Pretty sure this is the first time meat has ever appeared on this blog. No surprise I guess, since I mostly just show my food.)

Mine: Tempeh Burger

THEN, in the evening, we had a few friends over and did some wine tasting:

I found a new favorite wine, which was fun.

Unfortunately, I drank far too much wine and was ridiculously uncomfortable on Sunday. Definitely need to slow down next time. I was genuinely schnockered. But it was a very fun time. The worst part was that I was too affected Sunday to go for my run. :(

And now it's already Monday. A new week has begun. I have midterms next week. Oh my.

And in other news:

Weight: 123.4 - This is a problem, possibly the highest I've been in the past year, but I'm getting back on track. 

Workout: Yoga. 

Let's kick some ass this week lovelies.

Crossing a Serious Line There Girl

Mich: The mint syrup from my last post is from my local health food store. It carries an awesome selection of less-known products, but I've never seen it anywhere else :(

Koala: Thanks so much for your lovely comment. It was really sweet of you to say I'm strong. I tried to reply but you have your blog set up so only "team members" can comment. So I hope you don't mind that I say you're lovely and thank you a bunch here instead. :)

To today: Stay with me, I've been an idiot. I need some help.

Weight: 121.8. Yes that's gain. Read on and you'll see why...

It involves my car.

Because, my loves, yesterday I CROSSED A LINE.

A binge line. Yes I have trouble with binges, no secret there. They're my curse at the moment. However, up until yesterday, I would just binge on things I had in the house when the whim struck. I found I was much less likely to binge if I didn't have anything around that was conducive to binging. My triggers are cereal, trail mix and PBJ mostly. 

HOWEVER, yesterday I crossed the proverbial binge line. I thought, "I want to binge on _______ and ________." And I GOT IN MY CAR, drove to the store, bought said crap items, and ate most of them. Of course I felt sick later, and when I got up this morning I threw away what was left (it was a box of cereal and a bag of sweet crackery things, and about half was left of each). THEN this afternoon I took them back out of the trashcan and finished them. I'm not concerned about the sanitation, it was a new trashbag. It's the shame of it. I wasn't going to write that part, but I know I'd feel better if I read of someone else doing that so if it can help any of you (even if you can just feel superior for a second - that's okay too) or if you can tell me I'm not insane, then it's worth it. It used to be I was safe from binges if the food wasn't in the house, so this CANNOT ever happen again.

Have you ever done this? Do you think I'm beyond gross? 

I want to say I'm letting it go and it's going to be okay, but I'm so discouraged right now.

A Day in the Food

So yesterday I documented a binge. That was a little eye-opening, and I thought today I'd give you a breakdown of a regular day in the life of my food.

Weigh-in: 121. Up 1.2 from Friday, but with the massive binge, I'm relieved it's not more.
Workout: 40 min yoga.
Food:

Breakfast: 56 g Oatmeal Squares, 1/2 banana, 4 oz. almond milk

Chai tea to go!

Lunch: 4 slices Tofurky+lettuce+cucumber+whole grain dijon on a Sandwich Thin, 2 carrots

Snack: 1 serving trail mix (30g)

Dinner: 1/2 cup brown rice, 2 cups Vegetable Red Curry

"Dessert": Homemade Hot Chocolate - 10 oz. hot soymilk with 1/2 tbsp mint chocolate syrup

And lots of this all day. 

Yes it's shaped like a flask, but it really is water. Promise. ;)

Total: 1174 calories. 

I've felt that post-binge stomach ache all day, but it's getting better. 

I'm back on the healthy train, and I'm going to reach my destination. 

You're all lovely.

The Anatomy of a Binge

Ever binge and think to yourself, "Gosh I can't even believe how much I just ATE. I'm insane."

You're not alone...unless I'm alone. I thought I'd actually record the binge, so I would have to believe it.
I give you The Anatomy of a Binge Day:


The day started great. 6 mile run.

Healthy breakfast.

Black tea + 56 g Oatmeal squares, 1/2 banana, 4 oz. almond milk

Lunch - Farro with Sweet Potato Peanut Soup

3 pm - 6 of these. I thought, "I'm so healthy, I feel like binging but I'm just going to squash that feeling with carrots." Little did I know...

It just looks weird because I zested it last night to make muffins.

Carrot-Pineapple Sunshine Muffins - ate 2.

Cinnamon Life and soymilk. 3.5 heaping bowls.

TJ's trail mix. This x2.

Different TJ's trail mix. This x4.

Toasted PBJ Sandwich thin. +Another with vegan margarine.

1/4 cup oatmeal in an empty jam jar - no jam left behind!

This flavor was not really very good.

This entire bag - like 5 hours later, sort of like dinner.

I'm insane.

And my stomach hurts. 

I really fracking hate binges. 

Total calories? You want to know? 

I wish I didn't.

4048 calories. 

That pretty much undoes my week completely.

And why? 

Who the frack knows. Stress? The death of my dog? I could blame it on a lot of things, but you know what, it's a fricking ED. It doesn't actually make sense.

I'm going to be fat forever.

R.I.P.

My dog died today.

I found out from my sister's status on facebook. My mom called me later, but still. :(

He lived a great life and he was sick for the past couple years. I guess he was just too worn out. He went out into the woods last night and my dad found him this morning. I'm okay about it, because I know he was in pain, but it's still sad.

Rest in Peace Puppy.

Sort of drifty

I'm feeling sort of floaty today.

Clouds above Peru from the plane, 2006. 

A little disconnected. That's sometimes the way it goes I guess.

Workout: 40 mins yoga. I use this iphone app: All-in yoga. My time is limited, so while I really like yoga classes, I can't often commit to making the drive to the gym etc. And it doesn't always work with my schedule. This I can do in my room without the transit time, and it has ready-made programs at different levels that it takes you through.

Food:

Breakfast: 56 g Oatmeal squares w/ 1/2 banana and 4 oz. almond milk, plus black tea w/ soy milk: 299

(Remember when I said I'd bought that box of oatmeal squares and I wanted them to work for 8 breakfasts and not become a binge food? Well, so far that's been successful. I've eaten 5 breakfasts, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to make it to all 8. Yay!)

Lunch: Thai Red Curry with Tofu and 1/2 cup brown rice: 359

This is technically a different batch, as I didn't take a pic today, but you get the idea. 

Dinner: (will be) 1/8 cup farro with 1.5 cups Peanut Sweet Potato Soup: 310

I think I'll finish off the day with some hot chocolate (almond milk+vegan mint chocolate syrup): 78

That's 1045 total, but I think I might bake muffins and if I eat one that will get me up to 1200. I hope your weekends are going well my angels.

End-of-Week Weigh-in

Thanks loves for your comments on my last post (ten things). 

In answer to a couple of your questions:

My sisters are all younger, but actually not annoying at all. We're really close, though we did used to bicker a lot when we were younger.

I think if I got the dog, I'd let my boyfriend name it, since he's kind of compromising on getting a small dog like that, I could at least give him that. 

And finally, yes I was studying abroad when I lived in Spain. It was fall of my senior year of college, and I finished my Spanish minor while I was there. 

Ok, now to today.

I'm kind of having a hard time. Healthy weight loss is so frustratingly slow and I'm just feeling really triggered lately. I've been watching lots of ED videos/documentaries and remembering how fast I lost weight this summer and I'm just frustrated because I know I can safely lose like 12 more pounds (though my body might fight me a little) but it'll take ages actually eating enough, and I think it's worth it, but I've realized that mentally I'm still just as obsessed and disordered as before, I've just trained myself to eat 1200+ instead of 600-. 

I try to study and it's just a constant cycle, like:

What am I having for lunch? A tofurky sandwich. How many calories? 100 calories bread, 80 calories lunch meat, one of those slices was really thick, maybe I should add 5 more calories? It's already logged in my phone, maybe I should add more. A cup of lettuce is 8 or 16? Is there a whole cup of lettuce on my sandwich? Probably not, that's okay, better overestimate. How much of the cucumber did I put on there? A third? Is that like 20 calories? No, it wasn't that much of it, still, I'll leave it like that. What am I having for snack? Trail mix. Should I eat snack? Maybe not. I don't know what I'm having for dinner. Anxiety anxiety anxiety. What should I cook? It needs to be less than 400 calories. Why am I so fat? I should just stop eating. No, I need to eat enough so I can focus. Am I focusing now? Obviously not. Why am I still so fat? Will I ever feel thin again? I want to go shopping. Who am I kidding, I'll cry if I try on clothes now. I ran this morning, maybe I should have run faster. What should I have for breakfast tomorrow? Cereal. With a banana. Half a banana? I should eat more earlier in the day so I don't binge, but what if then I do binge even though I ate more? Then it's just even MORE calories. I don't know what to do. Why am I so fat?

That's kind of what my head is like.

Weigh-in: 119.8. That's 1.4 pounds down from Monday, but I had gained on Monday, so really it's the same as 2 weeks ago.

I want to be 108 so much. 

Frick.

I love you all. 

Ten Fun Things for My Lovelies

Thanks to both Amber and GraceyJ, I've been nominated to tell you a few things about, well, me. So here goes:

1. I grew up on a tree farm in the country in the Western U.S.

The view west from our house.

2. I was a cheerleader through all 4 years of high school, as a flyer, and senior year I broke my ankle when I got dropped. My cast was pink. 

3. If my entire wardrobe came from J. Crew and Anthropologie I'd probably think I'd landed in heaven. 

4. I love cookbooks. Buying an ingredient I've never used before is great and I love planning new meals. 

These were a Christmas present. From me, to myself.

5. I lived for 4 months in Madrid, Spain. I loved it.

La Mancha, like Don Quixote.

6. I love wind. It's my favorite kind of weather. When things are windy, it's like anything's possible.

7. I have three younger sisters: 20, 17 and 15. They're more important than I can even say. 

8. Someday I want to own a dog like this:

Yorkshire Terrier. My boyfriend and I have our eye on one as a "trial baby." Maybe in like 2 years.

9. I've had poison oak more times than I want to count. Avoid those shiny leaves my lovelies, it's awful. 

10. I like to write really cheesy poems:

I started writing about my life

I didn't think anyone would care

Then I found these wonderful people

It's like things are suddenly fair

So my loves I'm so glad you're around,

Thanks for everything you've done

I feel supported from the very ground

and you're like rays of sun.

Wow, that was actually worse than usual. But seriously, I feel so supported every time I read comments from you all and I love reading what's going on in your lives. Stay lovely.

Now it's my turn to nominate, I want to know 10 things about:

Signature

*Broken*

nia

Wings to set me free

Leigh

Off you go my little butterflies.

Weekends and Food.

The Good:
Every time a weekend starts, I get anxious about how much less predictable my food becomes. I had a great time though, kayaking, duck-feeding, walking, shopping, jogging, eating out, and just being with my friends. I felt like there was beauty in a lot of things this weekend.

Now the bad:
This weekend I actually did a pretty good job of picking healthy things, but I just had so much anxiety left over even after I got home, I went on a cereal binge last night. I don't know why I buy cereal when I know I binge on it, but I guess I just keep hoping I'll be able to keep it together. The criminal this time:

It was on sale at Target. Why is it so delicious? I literally ate 346 grams of it, I know because I weighed it. For context, that's about 11 servings. With vanilla soymilk. Oh my.

This one is usually so expensive, but it was on sale too, so I got a box, but haven't yet opened it. I'm planning to have it for breakfast this week. I hardly ever make it through a box without at least a little binge, so it'll be like a challenge. This box has 8 servings. Therefore, I want it to last me 8 breakfasts.

Now for today, Monday. 

Weigh-in: 121.2. I so hope it's just because of the binge.

Workout: 25 mins weights.

Food: (skipped breakfast, I was still feeling gross from last night).

Farro with Peanut Sweet Potato stew 395

Trail mix 140

Fiesta salad - black beans, corn, salsa, lettuce, cucumber 255

792 calories. Yes it's restriction, but I feel sick and anxious so I'm okay with it for just a day. 

I feel so completely depressed about school right now. I'm either panicking or sitting around staring into space and feeling nothing. I hope tomorrow's a better day.

You're all wonderful. Stay lovely this week.

Made it.

It's the weekend. Praise God we made it.

prettydesperate: I'm so glad to hear from you, I was just thinking about you today and hoping you were doing all right.

wings to set me free: I try not to be one of those med students who minds being called a nurse. At this point, I think I still know less than most nurses, so no problem at all.

And so today.

Weigh-in: 120.0 (1 pound loss in the past 4 days - yay!)
Workout: 4 mile run.
Food: 1152 calories.
It wasn't supposed to be less than 1200, but the soup I made (Sweet Potato Peanut) ended up being fewer calories than I thought when I calculated it out, but by then it was too close to bed to eat more, I don't sleep well if I eat late at night. So whatever, I guarantee I'll eat more than that tomorrow.

I'm spending the weekend with friends from college. I can pretty much guarantee I won't have a chance to post, but it's going to be a good time. Have good weekends my little angels, stay lovely.

Lovely girl.

Since the U.S. version of Skins is about to premiere, I've been catching up on the UK version (which I'm certain is better that the U.S. one will be). Anyway...favorite new actress: Kaya Scodelario

Lovely yes?

Just like all of you.

Exhaustion.

It's 8:45 pm. I'm about to go to bed. Old woman? No, just the overwhelming exhaustion of a medical student.

Weigh-in tomorrow. Kind of nervous.

Workout: 3 mile run.

Food: 1238 calories.
Breakfast: Cinnamon Oatmeal and black tea.
10 am: Vanilla Chai tea
12 pm: Tofurky Sandwich on an Oroweat Naturals Sandwich Thin - my first time trying these. I like how thin they are, so my vegetables can shine! And an apple.
4 pm: Trail mix
7 pm: The last of my Cholent (stew).

Finishing off the stew means I get to cook something new tomorrow, I just haven't decided what it will be.

Stay lovely.

This week = crazypants.

It's a crazypants week. Between class, clinic, research presentation prep, psych clinic and studying it feels like it's nonstop, but I'm on track I guess. I still feel enormous though, which makes me enjoy everything else less. :(

Weigh-in: Skipped it. I want to wait and see a bigger loss later. Besides, at the "healthy" rate I'm supposed to be going, I shouldn't be seeing loss every day necessarily, and that's just depressing, so I've decided on Monday and Friday weigh-ins. So 3 days until I'll be updating that.

Workout: 4 mile run.

Ode to my Running Shoes

Oh my lovely Asics

And my RoadID

My reflective little yellow shorts

You're a little bit breezy

You carry me on for miles

and I feel strong in your grasp

Thanks for making these smiles

And shrinking my lovely ass.

Today I learned...

1. All about glomerular, developmental and cystic kidney disease.
2. How to treat fungal infections.
3. Why the airway resistance increases in bronchitis and asthma.

But that was class; other things I learned:

4. I really don't like textured soy protein. I don't like the taste, and whoever "textured" it does not know how delicious things are textured, because that's not it. It will not deter me from my culinary adventures though, experiments aren't always flawless. Anyway, the point is that I made Cholent (a Jewish stew) from Veganomicon for dinner, and it's the first of the recipes that I really haven't loved. It's still good, and I'll enjoy my leftovers I'm sure (now that I've scooped all the textured soy protein out), but I just wouldn't make it again.

5. With no traffic, I can make it from here to my boyfriend's in 2.25 hours. 

6. Weekends = love. Regular week = :(

I had an awesome weekend with my boyfriend and friends. Here's a brief summary:

a. We went out to eat - Mexican friday night and Thai for saturday lunch. 

b. We saw Blue Valentine (I loved it, but I love heartbreaking movies. This is not a feel-good one, but it gave us lots to talk about.)

c. We cooked for a whole bunch of people at boyfriend's apartment - Spinach Linguine with Basil-Cilantro Pesto and Artichoke Hearts (from boyfriend #2 - Veganomicon). I would eat this for the rest of my life. I couldn't even believe how great it was. And I was so relieved, because sometimes feeding a vegan meal to a large crowd can go awry. 

d. We went out in the evening to celebrate our friend's birthday.

e. We went for a nice 5 mile run by the beach. This is the first time boyfriend and I have ever worked out together in 4 years of dating. He didn't break up with me after seeing my exercise face, so that's great.

f. We walked up and down the main street, browsed some stores. We looked at really expensive kitchen gadgets and dreamed about our kitchen together someday.

g. We went to the art museum, mostly because we happened to walk by and it's free on Sundays. Nice surprise.

h. We drank coffee. I love coffee.

Then it was back to real life (see 1-3, I'm learning lots). 

Weigh-in: I was back up to 121 this morning. I didn't binge, but I wasn't strict with my eating over the weekend either, so I'm not surprised.

Workout: 25 minute weight routine. 

I've missed you all, I can't wait to catch up on your posts and see how you've been. It's a crazy week for me, but keeping up with you all is one of my favorite breaks. 

Stay lovely.