It's Back....!

So this is the "Welcome Back I reuploaded Hi I missed you!" Post. I deleted this blog after the last post (Feb 2011) when I switched to a more public one.

However, I'm still having a lot of eating disorder and binging struggles that I don't feel safe to talk about on my public blog, so I'm bring back Jam and Jabberwock. I'm looking forward to rejoining the community because I could really use the support.

February, Feb-ulous?

I actually sort of hate puns. But I'm still going with that post title.

Why? Because this is a great month to get fabulous. I feel like I'm reading a lot of posts from you all about how you're feeling inspired, and this is going to be your month etc.

I agree. It feels like something's starting.

I think I need some February goals:

1. Get caught up on study plan for boards. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but it's the ginormous monster of a test that determines if I'll be able to get into residency/go on to third year - biggest test of my life so far. It's on May 27, but by most standards, my prep is already behind.

2. No binges. I've sort of had a hard time lately deciding what actually constitutes a binge, but I think I'd like this to be the month I really start listening and never eat when I'm not actually hungry.

3. Get fitter. This means keeping up with my training plan, as well as losing a few pounds. I'm not setting a number, as I don't want to get to Feb 27 and pressure myself to do something unhealthy to try to reach my goals.

4. Be present. I spend so much time wishing for the next minute/hour/day/week/month/year of my life. This is actually a lifelong goal I guess, but I'd like to give it a little focus this month.

I think maybe it's finally not slacking in the rest of my life (studying etc.) that has me feeling like I'm ready to be on track with food too. Whatever, the reason, it's lovely.

Weigh-in: 122.2 (Down 1.2 from yesterday, but I'm sure that was extra food weight)

Workout: 5 mile run.

Food: 1269 calories.
Theoretically I want to be eating like 1400 right now, as sort of an experiment to up my intake and keep myself from binging, but I seriously was so full with what I ate today. Great, I guess.

It's a great day to start again.

Hey angels. It was a big weekend for me, sorry I've been a little absent. 

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post. I feel encouraged and ready to start anew. You're all quite wise. 

Quick weekend recap:

Thursday/Friday: Drove 7 hours up the coast to present my summer research at a conference. I feel really proud of this. I'm a published scientific author. Wow. I'm not old enough or smart enough for that. I stayed there Thursday night. 

View from the hotel room. Sweet.

Lunch on Friday. Angel hair pasta in a white wine sauce with asparagus, tomato, edamame, porcini mushrooms and spinach. Avocado on the side. I saved half for later.

Friday: Drove back down the coast to visit boyfriend. 

Saturday: Lovely lazy day. A few errands, lunch out with boyfriend. 

Boyfriend's: Turkey Burger

(Pretty sure this is the first time meat has ever appeared on this blog. No surprise I guess, since I mostly just show my food.)

Mine: Tempeh Burger

THEN, in the evening, we had a few friends over and did some wine tasting:

I found a new favorite wine, which was fun.

Unfortunately, I drank far too much wine and was ridiculously uncomfortable on Sunday. Definitely need to slow down next time. I was genuinely schnockered. But it was a very fun time. The worst part was that I was too affected Sunday to go for my run. :(

And now it's already Monday. A new week has begun. I have midterms next week. Oh my.

And in other news:

Weight: 123.4 - This is a problem, possibly the highest I've been in the past year, but I'm getting back on track. 

Workout: Yoga. 

Let's kick some ass this week lovelies.

Crossing a Serious Line There Girl

Mich: The mint syrup from my last post is from my local health food store. It carries an awesome selection of less-known products, but I've never seen it anywhere else :(

Koala: Thanks so much for your lovely comment. It was really sweet of you to say I'm strong. I tried to reply but you have your blog set up so only "team members" can comment. So I hope you don't mind that I say you're lovely and thank you a bunch here instead. :)

To today: Stay with me, I've been an idiot. I need some help.

Weight: 121.8. Yes that's gain. Read on and you'll see why...

It involves my car.

Because, my loves, yesterday I CROSSED A LINE.

A binge line. Yes I have trouble with binges, no secret there. They're my curse at the moment. However, up until yesterday, I would just binge on things I had in the house when the whim struck. I found I was much less likely to binge if I didn't have anything around that was conducive to binging. My triggers are cereal, trail mix and PBJ mostly. 

HOWEVER, yesterday I crossed the proverbial binge line. I thought, "I want to binge on _______ and ________." And I GOT IN MY CAR, drove to the store, bought said crap items, and ate most of them. Of course I felt sick later, and when I got up this morning I threw away what was left (it was a box of cereal and a bag of sweet crackery things, and about half was left of each). THEN this afternoon I took them back out of the trashcan and finished them. I'm not concerned about the sanitation, it was a new trashbag. It's the shame of it. I wasn't going to write that part, but I know I'd feel better if I read of someone else doing that so if it can help any of you (even if you can just feel superior for a second - that's okay too) or if you can tell me I'm not insane, then it's worth it. It used to be I was safe from binges if the food wasn't in the house, so this CANNOT ever happen again.

Have you ever done this? Do you think I'm beyond gross? 

I want to say I'm letting it go and it's going to be okay, but I'm so discouraged right now.

A Day in the Food

So yesterday I documented a binge. That was a little eye-opening, and I thought today I'd give you a breakdown of a regular day in the life of my food.

Weigh-in: 121. Up 1.2 from Friday, but with the massive binge, I'm relieved it's not more.
Workout: 40 min yoga.
Food:

Breakfast: 56 g Oatmeal Squares, 1/2 banana, 4 oz. almond milk

Chai tea to go!

Lunch: 4 slices Tofurky+lettuce+cucumber+whole grain dijon on a Sandwich Thin, 2 carrots

Snack: 1 serving trail mix (30g)

Dinner: 1/2 cup brown rice, 2 cups Vegetable Red Curry

"Dessert": Homemade Hot Chocolate - 10 oz. hot soymilk with 1/2 tbsp mint chocolate syrup

And lots of this all day. 

Yes it's shaped like a flask, but it really is water. Promise. ;)

Total: 1174 calories. 

I've felt that post-binge stomach ache all day, but it's getting better. 

I'm back on the healthy train, and I'm going to reach my destination. 

You're all lovely.

The Anatomy of a Binge

Ever binge and think to yourself, "Gosh I can't even believe how much I just ATE. I'm insane."

You're not alone...unless I'm alone. I thought I'd actually record the binge, so I would have to believe it.
I give you The Anatomy of a Binge Day:


The day started great. 6 mile run.

Healthy breakfast.

Black tea + 56 g Oatmeal squares, 1/2 banana, 4 oz. almond milk

Lunch - Farro with Sweet Potato Peanut Soup

3 pm - 6 of these. I thought, "I'm so healthy, I feel like binging but I'm just going to squash that feeling with carrots." Little did I know...

It just looks weird because I zested it last night to make muffins.

Carrot-Pineapple Sunshine Muffins - ate 2.

Cinnamon Life and soymilk. 3.5 heaping bowls.

TJ's trail mix. This x2.

Different TJ's trail mix. This x4.

Toasted PBJ Sandwich thin. +Another with vegan margarine.

1/4 cup oatmeal in an empty jam jar - no jam left behind!

This flavor was not really very good.

This entire bag - like 5 hours later, sort of like dinner.

I'm insane.

And my stomach hurts. 

I really fracking hate binges. 

Total calories? You want to know? 

I wish I didn't.

4048 calories. 

That pretty much undoes my week completely.

And why? 

Who the frack knows. Stress? The death of my dog? I could blame it on a lot of things, but you know what, it's a fricking ED. It doesn't actually make sense.

I'm going to be fat forever.

R.I.P.

My dog died today.

I found out from my sister's status on facebook. My mom called me later, but still. :(

He lived a great life and he was sick for the past couple years. I guess he was just too worn out. He went out into the woods last night and my dad found him this morning. I'm okay about it, because I know he was in pain, but it's still sad.

Rest in Peace Puppy.