Merry Christmas

Hey friends, Merry Christmas!

It's evening and the end if the holiday is almost here.

It's been totally weird but there were some unexpected nice moments too. I got home from work at like 7 AM and husband had filled up my stocking and we opened presents. Then I passed out for like 6 hours, Facetimed/Skyped with my family and husband's family and that was really nice. 

And then I came to work again. And here I am.

Merry Christmas!

See you soon.

Hey

Merry Christmas Eve. Well, it's midnight so it's basically Christmas Eve.

Christmas feels weird this year, maybe because I'm not home, maybe because I'm working nights and I barely know what day it is. Maybe because I'm seeing my husband for like 20 mins a day because we work opposite schedules.

It's just weird.

Anyway, merry Christmas all.

Christmas Presents

I just ordered Christmas presents for my family, I'm all set with my shopping now a whole week before Christmas yay! 

Unfortunately I don't get to spend the holidays with any of my family this year. I have to work nights through the week and then I get to be off for 5 days over New Years, but we're not traveling anywhere. My parents visited at the beginning of the month but I'm still sad and miss my family.

So I'm a little sad and feeling not quite ready for Christmas, here's some Christmas pictures.

Truth

This isn't my only blog. But you know something? It's the one that I want to post on now. I have another one that people in my life know about, one where it's clear who I am and I write in full knowledge that people in my personal and professional life alike may read it.

And know what? When I'm having a hard time I just want to be able to say it without having to censor. I want to rant about that bitch at work. I want to obsess about whatever I'm obsessing with and never worry that people will judge me for it. I'm not saying people wouldn't ever read this blog and judge me, but this is intentionally an anonymous one, so that I can protect my real life from some of the thoughts that I probably shouldn't say out loud but post here anyway.

So anyway thanks for being here for whatever I need to say.

To Feel Better

It's Christmas time and I really hate being sick. I think it's just a cold, and I don't know if I can make it better any faster, but I thought I'd list things to brainstorm how to feel better.

1. Meds: whatever seems to help. My options include: antipyretics, cough syrup, Sudafed, Benadryl, cough drops

2. Water and tea

3. Nasal irrigation with saline

4. Not very hungry, eating soup

5. Sleep as much as I can. It's so hard because I cough all the time.

6. Caffeine: this sounds weird but I'm currently addicted so I'll feel way worse if I don't get my coffee in

7. Vaseline for my poor raw nose

8. I should probably buy a humidifier

You know the worst part? I have to keep showing up for work, I don't get sick days. If I call in sick someone else gets called in to work and I have to cover a shift for them later. So in theory I'm not supposed to go if I have a fever, but I don't take my temp so even though I feel like it, so I just take meds and go to work.

Here's hoping I feel better before Christmas.

Update

Remember how I was all upset with my husband about falling asleep before sex and leaving this car issue to stress me out? 

Well after I got my rant out I went back to bed and woke him up just enough to tell him how I felt. He was very sweet and understanding (and cute and sleepy) about how his falling asleep made me feel unimportant. He also knew about the car issue and had a plan to fix it the next day. 

So anyway I did still feel rejected when he fell asleep but I forgave him and got over it. 

And now I'm just trying to get through my week. I haven't done very well with food and I have an awful cold right now. I coughed so hard my eyes were tearing at work today - in front of patients. 

It's Christmas time though - it is my favorite time of year. 

And my colds been lingering for ages. I'm not sleeping at all because of the congestion and coughing. And I'm also keeping my husband awake. Ugh I'm so run down.

I had all these ambitions for exercise and studying this month but I feel like straight awful and I'm just sitting around pouring snot and watching tv.

Anyone have awesome cold cures?

Really?

So I'm up instead of sleeping.

Boyfriend and I agreed we'd get in bed at 8:30 and be asleep by 10 - leaving plenty of time for well, you know, things you do in bed.

Do you know what happened? After a discouraging 30 minutes of studying (yay studying!) I went into the bedroom to find he'd crawled in around 8 PM, gotten comfortable, and was starting to fall asleep. So in hopes to catch him before he passed out, I quickly got ready and climbed in next to him. We lay there for a minute, and I thought how nice and warm he is, and then he told me he was too tired and proceeded to actually fall asleep.

And so I got back up. I'm kind of frustrated, to say the least. There's of course sexual frustration, that's a given. It's worse than that though, it's not unusual for us to fall asleep without having sex - we lead really busy lives and are very tired when we make it to bed, but we've been trying to increase our physical time by prioritizing it more. I was the one who asked him tonight for a timeline to make sure that we didn't just pass out when we got into bed, and despite him picking those times, I got screwed over. Not screwed. And I'm sad about it.

On top of that I organized the office in the past hour - you know, since I'm awake - and you know what I found? The details aren't important but suffice it to say he ignored some notices regarding cars and insurance and registration and it looks like now we're going to have to go through quite a headache to fix it all. He's a totally responsible person and I'm not entirely sure how this happened. And now I'm all stressed about it and wishing I could do something about it now but it's not business hours and I can't, and he just gets to sleep peacefully.

So I am pissed. And I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't face the feelings, so there you go.

December

It's upon us. December, the Christmas season. A new month.

I love this time of year. It might be my favorite. 

Today my man put lights on the outside of the house and we finished decorating the inside too.

Food wise not so good.

I ate popcorn, ice cream with peanut butter, a muffin and a couple sodas (in addition to healthy meals) that I wish I had not.

But I refuse to let it derail my fresh December start. It's a wonderful happy time of year and I'm determined this Christmas season to love my body and myself no matter how I feel about my size.

December Goals:

1. Respect myself and my body. On the one hand this means eating healthfully, being active at whatever level is appropriate to try to give myself endorphins/improve my fitness and at the same time acknowledge that I have a bad cold right now and my body doesn't need extra stress. At the same time it means being positive towards my body even if I eat something unhealthy or don't like the way my clothes look when I first glance in the mirror. Replacing those thoughts with loving ones.

2. Work at work. Keep home stress at home. I know that sounds a little weird, but it just mean that if I have downtime on a given day at work, I want to use it to learn/get work done. And while I make piles of lists to manage my life outside work, looking at them during work just adds to the stress and isn't necessary or helpful. If I keep my focus on one thing at a time, I think I can actually get done everything I want to faster. As a specific part of this goal, I want to never put off a task more than 24 hours.

3. Still study. That said, I still have to study. Even a little is better than nothing. I keep saying this but I need to do it.

4. Enjoy my people. I'm really wrapped up in how I look, how I feel, what I ate, did I get my work done, is anyone judging me, who was nice, who was mean, etc. and it's all so inwardly focused. I just want to let go the things that don't matter and enjoy those who are here around me during the holidays.

So happy December friends, what are your goals?