One Addiction to Another

I spend the weekend in gorgeous Colorado.

It was a 6 hour drive each way for only one full day though, for a wedding.

I got super drunk last night and I was so hungover today for the drive back.

Miserable.

Now I'm watching TV and wondering how long it's going to take me to pack up all my stuff to move tomorrow.

I have not been making good choices lately. 

This trip was great but in terms of taking care of myself I'm having a hard time.

Today is the first day in I think a full month that I haven't had a drink. 

A full month.

And it's not just 1 drink a day. Most days I've had 2-3 drinks, sometimes more.

I've probably been drinking too much for a couple years now. When I think about it with a clear head, it's actually not surprising at all.

I went from one addiction to another - when I mostly stopped starving and over-exercising I told myself "this is a good thing, you're recovering, you're getting better." And it was - I don't want to ignore the progress I made - but I didn't finish dealing with why I using my eating disorder as an escape and I started using alcohol for the same reason.

I think I need to invest a little in my emotional well-being now. It's time to stop ignoring the things I'm struggling with and in order to do that I need to have a clear head for a little while.

I'm not going to 100% stop drinking indefinitely - that's coming up soon anyway because I'm going to start trying to get pregnant - so in the couple months left before we're planning to start trying, I just want to cut back to not drinking most days, never drink enough that I feel hungover or that it affects my sleep, and follow American Heart Association guidelines - meaning no more than 7 drinks a week. 

I think to start with I'm going to not drink for the next 7 days - it's just been a long time since I went that long and I actually think it's going to be really hard. Like really hard.

I have certain conditioned times of day when I crave it - like right when I get home I like to have a beer and with certain meals I really want red wine and if there's a bottle already open then I'll see it and always pour myself a glass. 

I'm about to go to bed, so that's 1 day down.

One day at a time. 

xoxo little birds

Thursday March 5 2015

I write daily posts on this blog - that's been my style for a while. Sometimes I take months off and then I come back and try to pick up where I left off. I wrote a couple update posts yesterday because I'd been gone for so long, but now back to my normal style.

Intake
Avocado toast
Salad, bean and rice soft taco, brownie
Banana
Diet pepsi
Ice cream
Rosemary Olive bread with oil and vinegar
Beers - Porter, x2
Tofu sauteed with cauliflower, onions and olives

Activity
Nothing

Hydration
16 oz water, coffee, pepsi, beer - no wonder I have a dehydration headache

Thoughts
Well I didn't actually do that great a job with the whole plan I had last night for other activities after I got home. I did cook and do laundry so at least there's that. This was just not a great day - I found it really draining and not very fun. I'll probably still stay up for the next 3 hours watching TV or YouTube without even meaning to because I'm not exactly the queen of great decisions. I wasn't happy with my food today and overall I've just been feeling sad. I'm still functioning I guess - I mean I'm sleeping like 6 hours a night and I'm still showering and making it to work but I'm really unhappy.

xoxo little birds

Tea Time with Schedule

All right birds I'm sitting down with some peppermint tea to think a little about what the disconnect is between ideal life and the life I'm living right now and come up with some thoughts.

I usually evaluate my life by category, but today I'm going to try something new and go through my daily schedule - compare what I'm doing to what else I could be doing that might be better.

6 AM

Real life: First alarm goes off but I turn it off and go back to sleep. Often feeling a little hungover.

Better life: Get up, work out with either lifting or running for 20-30 minutes.

7 AM

Real life: Get up, shower, start coffee and breakfast, ready by 7:45

Better life: Similar, but I'd already be up and it wouldn't be so rushed. I do listen to music and I like that so I wouldn't change that.

8 AM

Real life: Arrive at work

Better life: No there's really no difference here - I always arrive on time.

[At work until 5 PM - I work well, I can always have a better attitude but my work hours aren't a concern]

5 PM

Real life: Leave work and go home, sometimes stop at grocery store.

Better life: Well, similar I guess. I guess I'd like to be a little more focused and planned at the grocery store, both for my health and wallet.

6-10 PM 

Real life: Usually I'm watching TV and drinking.

Better life: Well the tough part about this is I don't like saying that's how I spend my evening, but what to do instead?

- Knit

- Read

- Spend 10 minutes doing yoga/stretching away the tension of the day

- Blog

- Take pictures

- Listen to music

- Pick 1 TV show to watch or YouTube for no more than 1 hour

- Read something educational or work on questions or modules

- Work projects: Research, quality improvement etc.

- Pay undivided attention to my husband

- Take my dog on a walk

- Clean the house or do laundry or other chores

- Cook dinner and eat slowly

- Drink tea

Go to bed by 9-10 PM. Don't take the iPad with me.

I think those are some good ideas.

We'll see how it goes.

xoxo little birds

Start Again

It's winter and I like that. I like snow and the way it covers up all the parts of the world that don't look good and makes it feel like a fresh start.

It's been long enough since I last wrote that a proper update is in order.

I'm Erin.

I'm 27.

I work in healthcare with kids.

I'm married.

I have a dog but no kids of my own yet.

I've rarely met criteria for any particular eating disorder, so I've just been a nebulous EDNOS girl.

I intentionally write this blog anonymously because I like being able to share with a community like you without even thinking twice about how what I'm saying looks or if it's professional or if it's hurtful to the people in my real life.

I like to tell the truth, even it's behind a pretty screen.

So that's the deal. And now back to my usual format:

Intake
Avocado toast with tomatoes
Granola Bar
Potato Chips
Steamed vegetables and salad
Chocolate Muffin
Apple
Toast with jam
Veggie quesadilla
Sweet potato fries with BBQ sauce
Red wine - 2 glasses

Activity
I started to - and then I just didn't feel good. So I didn't.

Hydration
Tea and about 20 oz water, coffee and a diet pepsi

Thoughts
I've been living alone for the past month (to work an another hospital) and I only have a couple days left and I'm nervous in a way about going back to live with my husband. I'm mostly excited, but I also feel like I've developed some bad habits and I'm not sure if they're going to be easy or hard to break. I've been drinking probably 2 drinks a day and that's not healthy, I'm messy, not doing dishes, staying up super late watching TV and youtube etc. and then sleeping to the last possible moment in the morning, I am actually exercising more regularly than like back in December, but worse than January and February of this year. So we'll see - I just feel like I've been distracting my sadness instead of facing it and not taking good care of myself at all. Maybe I'll write another post with some ideas about changes I could start with.

xoxo little birds