Afternoon

Checking in.

I didn't binge when I got home which is a huge deal.

I had an apple for snack.

Now I'm waiting on my man to pick a place for dinner. It doesn't matter too much to me what it is, as long as I'm able to eat only what I order and not eat a bunch more when I get home.

Except for wine. I consider alcohol a reasonable exception to my otherwise limited feelings of safety in my intake. 

I feel uncomfortable with an extra bite of food outside set meal times, and same with a drink of juice or something but if it's alcoholic, whatever. No problem.

It's kind of weird but whatever I've stopped judging myself for what I feel and accepted what is.

Morning Intake

I just finished lunch and I'm nervous about what to eat for the rest of the day. It's been like a week since I had a good day and didn't eat too much and I'm genuinely scared of my kitchen because I feel really fragile right now.

Fortunately I'm at work for a little while longer but hopefully I can find some strength when I get home.

Breakfast was whole grain toasted roll with peanut butter and applesauce, and black tea like always

Lunch was leftovers of penne pasta with an acorn squash sauce from a couple nights ago.

I also had a black coffee here at work.

For dinner I'm not too sure. I'll probably have a glass of wine and maybe we'll go out or maybe make stirfry or who knows. 

I think it's the uncertainty that extra scares me.

Nights

I usually sleep ok. Tonight I'm finding it hard.

It could be what I ate today, or the darkness of my mind

The dreams I have

The hopes I can't seem to let go of.

I keep thinking if I plan hard enough 

If I think hard enough about it, I can fix everything

I can turn myself into the person I want to be

He's sleeping next to me and he's so peaceful 

I'm jealous 

I want to sleep like I'm not afraid of morning

Fall

It's fall and I'm happy about that but at the same time at kind of a dark place in my mind.

I thought maybe some goals would help? Or just ideas of good things that aren't food that I'm excited about.

1. Leaves

2. Walks with our dog in the cold

3. Gloves

4. Hats

5. Cuddling in bed with the cold outside

6. Tea

7. Rain

8. Snow

9. Books

10. Studying with the crisp air outside 

11. Sweaters

12. Slippers

13. Seeing my breath

14. Ice crystals on the windows

15. Holidays when family visit

What are you excited about?

Binge Chronicles

I've been doing pretty bad lately. 

Can't seem to stop eating.

I think turning it around starts with honesty.

Today I ate:

Pumpkin oatmeal

Soup & salad

Tons of chocolate chips

Made some peanut butter chocolate chip cookie dough and just ate it in dough form

2 large bowls of multigrain Cheerios with soy milk

Tons more chocolate chips

Glass of wine

Pasta/veggies with sauce

And that was just today.

The things I wish I hadn't eaten yesterday include an entire pint of vegan mocha almond fudge ice cream, a vegan cookie from whole foods and more chocolate chips

I'm in such a dark place

Hello Angels

Hi loves.

I missed you so much.

I've been struggling a lot. It is a priority of mine that I be healthy and not hurt myself too much in this whole process, but I've gained about 10 pounds recently, I'm really upset because I can't fit into my wardrobe and I'm feeling SO triggered but trying to be healthy instead of just restricting.

In other news I had a recent graduation, and I feel like I've been celebrating my vacation and accomplishments at an unhealthy level. I've missed you all and I'd appreciate your help. I've been irresponsible and giant and I couldn't feel worse about myself.

I think all my followers are so beautiful.

I hope you're doing great. Help me lose 20 lbs? anyone want to text? I'm US available. Love you beautiful girls. Feeling really alone.

Happy Monday!

So I reuploaded this blog in January, making claims I was back, and then I just didn't post at all.

Apologies lovelies.

I missed you though.

Anyway I have a different blog that's not ED that I'm okay with anyone knowing about and I guess I just kind of go through phases where I feel good and that's enough, and then I go through phases where I need an outlet where I can say anything and be [relatively] anonymous and it can be okay.

And that's why I still have this one.

Idk what made me want to post today. I was reviewing old journals and old posts and thinking about my binging and the trouble it's caused and at the same time feeling super triggered to just eat half a gallon of ice cream. Not kidding. Almost bought the mint marble fudge with the plan of just eating all of it.

And I don't really know why.

I'm anxious, yes. It's a test week - I have a final on Friday. I have a REALLY big test in 3 weeks - the second half of a national exam that's pretty significant for my future. And I'm just feeling really triggered to binge.

It's frankly kind of weird.

All I want is ice cream.

Ugh.

I mean look at this. So delicious.

Help anyone?